emo, emo post.
7:26 AM
I was just reading some IchiRuki angst and pondering about relationships and stuff.And of course, that led to pondering about mine.
I was thinking, that if i were Ichigo, I would wait for Rukia forever. I would wait even though it would hurt a lot to wait.
That was what I had promised someone. And yet I know that I am not waiting in the sense of really waiting, like what Ichigo might Rukia.
Almost as if I am waiting because I am forced to wait. Waiting because I promised. Even though he doesn't care whether I am waiting or not, because I feel that he doesn't deserve to have promises broken, I am waiting.
It's as if I never really wanted to wait from the beginning. But this is the nature of all relationships with me, I suppose. How do I say this?
Maybe I have stopped waiting ever since I knew conclusively that he doesn't care, that it doesn't make the least bit of a difference whether I waited or not.
Maybe it is more accurate to say that I have given up.
So I have broken my promise, after all. I'm not too sure really. Let's start like this - I feel bad breaking any promise. I think promise breakers are bad. Yet, this kind of promise isn't merely a decision. It's not a matter of you want to wait or what....I mean, sometimes you just realise that you don't want to wait anymore.
I feel bad because I was never completely openly honest that I wasn't confident that I could live with him being him, ya know? but I had tried to keep those fears hidden. Now those fears are what that are convincing me that maybe, as much as I have tried, I have actually stopped waiting in the sense of it. The presence of those fears are convincing me that now, at least, I have escaped the certainty of it all, that I still have a chance at finding someone better, someone who I need not harbour any uncertainties about.
Well, at least I did put a condition, and that is I would wait as far as I could, so long as I have the capability to. Given the way I think, my logic and my thought processes, I guess I could say I have lost that capability, releasing me from my promise, or am I just taking the easy way out?
I don't want to wait for anybody. I just want to wait for that somebody if he is there. I don't know who he is. But I don't want to bind my life waiting for a single person, especially a person who couldn't reciprocate his feelings the way I put aside my dreams for him. I don't want to wait for a person who cannot seem to understand love the way I understand it.
Apparently, I never really loved him in the sense that most people understand it. But that is the way it is - I will never really love anybody in the sense that most people understand it. Maybe I can't, I just won't let myself. I think it's useless. I like being like this, not attaching myself to anybody. It's the only way I stay strong.
Maybe because it's because I don't really understand him is why I guess I didn't really love him. Maybe in the past I did, because I thought I understood him. But after all he did, I guess it made me realise that I didn't really know him at all. I hadn't understood him at all, and realising that maybe I didn't know him made me stop loving him. I'm not sure if he's the wonderful person I thought I could entrust myself. I had based that simply because he didn't see love the way I saw it. But it's important to me. I can only feel confident loving someone who loves me the same way.
But yet, I thought it hadn't mattered. I used to think that it's okay if you don't love me. I still will if you're a wonderful person.
But that's the thing - is he that wonderful? For him to be unable to base love on God - or is this just me being narrow-minded? I could put every doubt aside because I trusted Him. He couldn't do the same thing - is he really that wonderful then?
But you know, i think I'll be very logical. I've always been logical anyway. It's over for him, why should I hang around any more? I think I'll be doing him a great justice and favour by not being around - wouldn't that be something that he wants? I think it is. I think I'll just do whatever he wants - he doesn't want me to wait, for one - so in that case, I will chase my dreams, and forget about him.
Of course there is that possibility that he'll come back. But even if he does, I'll have difficulty believing him. I'll never say yes so easily next time. If someone really thinks that I am his companion for him, then he better jolly well work hard towards it, because the only thing I'm going to tell anybody who tells me so is "okay. so you are going to do what about it?"
has he made me become jaded? But somehow, I've always been this jaded. He just unjaded me for a while, and that's about it. I'm back to the jaded person I was when I was 17. Nobody can ever love me and I don't want them to love me like that either - that's why I place my requirement on only one thing. If my requirement is really fulfilled, then the person would have loved me the same way I love them, and things should then work out fine.