doushite wakaranai kedo...
8:34 AM
macam sayu rasa di hati.actually bukan aku tak tau. haha! i know perfectly why. 1) PMS! 2) it's Ramadhan.
actually i'm happy that it is. as in, for the fasting month and all.
it's just that it brings back memories....
not really memories ah. But it was just that, I just remembered that he was supposed to tell his parents right about now. so you can't help but wonder, what if it hadn't happened, would his parents have known? would you have had to go to his house? (and meet the parents, which is like ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGH SCARYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY)
would you have still been talking, telling each other things...would he still be telling me to go to this event or that event, and i would go, dutifully, and would I still tell him things....i think i wouldn't because i would be afraid of infringing on his time....
part of me, a more common sense part of me, can't really believe that he could really just throw me away like that. like, him being the person that he is, probably did mean it when he said he that he was afraid he wouldn't be able to live up to my expectations, or what he thought were my expectations, and that we were probably too young and yadda yadda, all that yarn that comes with it.
but i'm afraid, so the cynical part of me is saying he's just like other guys la....no difference. i don't want to think that what kak filzah said might be true, that one day, you know.?
that's the part that I am most determined to adopt. I refuse to believe that one day he might. yah. and you know, if he did, the right thing to do would be to turn him down, because deep down i know i'll never be satisfied with that choice. I made the mistake once. i can't make it again. I had that seed of regret that I tried to brush away. but no matter how i managed to dry that seed up, it still remained. even if it had become so tiny ....almost insignificant, even....it's still there.
1:00 AM
今YIHにいる。 今日の天気はとてもあつい！！！ すげえあついな。。。 トイレへ行きたいからここへ来た。YIHのトイレは一番すきだから。友達のお父さんが今調子がまずいよ。。。あたしたちはいのりしてだけできる。 あたしとマリヤムが病院へ行きたいけどそうしなかった。 まずマリヤムはいそがしいなだ。 それに今家族といっしょにがんばります。 あたしたちはかぞくじゃないから。。。。ちょっと。。。これのほうがいいと思うんだ。
さあ。。。。今までよくできたね、おれ。でもさいきんのしゅくだいはちょっと。。。なんか。。。みじかいと思う。。。
へえ。。。チョんグは一年生と来た。どうしてこんなきもち。。。。ただ。。。あいつがあたしたちの友達なんでしょう？どうしていつもあの一年生といっしょにいますよ？どんどんみんあがきえるな。。。。あたしもそうやった。。。。ってね。。。
じゃ。。。。もうムードがきえた。 書きたくない。。。