I DON'T have it figured out.
9:08 PM
so yesterday i was whining about the apparent inability of my laptop now to process things that come from the World Wide Web. I've figured out possible reasons.!) The Winzips don't work because when I recovered, thanks to Corel owning Winzip and making new users BUY it, XP DOESN'T come with winzip no more. And nobody notices, because they're all running old version of XP and have not needed to recover their 'tops in recent days. unlike yours truly.
2) But What about the Bittorrent??? AND I couldn't run WinZip the demo version either! So I figured that Norton was the culprit because hell, it always is. I even disabled it for a bit but it didn't work. So, I have decided that I have no choice but to wait till it expires, and see if I fare better then.
3) If not, off I go to the service center AGAIN. I should do it soon, actually, before my 1 year runs out. But it's like as if they don't even care about your warranty sometimes. Hahahahhaha.
So now what? I don't know...what should I do? I think I'll consult maryam....yar.
So when you are fasting, you are fighting boredom. You can't eat, so you're freaking bored. And it's like there's nothing to do.
Although there is.
I'll do the French file then. It's the only thing I got the mood for.
Jimmy Eat World's The Middle is good. I like them okay. But Weezer's boring.
Salamander is growing on me after I watched the PV. Yeah, he's got a really nice 'do now....don't dye it please, he looks way much better in black hair....so cute. and he really has a super nice smile.
とおい。。。
4:58 AM
土曜日７月２９日２００６年８時。
ああ。。。。よく寝た。じつは、寝たくなかったけど。。。しかたんかった。すげえつかれた。そしてはらがいたかった。コンをだきしめて、寝た。
今お父さんが出かけた。晩ごはんを買ってもらって来てる。はらがへった。。。はやく帰ってお父さんよ。。。。
お姉さんがも出かけた。友達といっしょに晩ごはんを食べてる。。。いいな。うちが。。。ん。
な。。。学校の前に、買い物して行きたい。今週もなんか買いたい。ノートやファイルなど。ただ今お金がないから、待ってるって。。。
じゃ。。明日おばあさんのうちへ家族といっしょに行く。いらないけど。。。。しょうがないな。。。
2:59 AM
７月２８日２００６年きのうの晩すげえさむかった。。。起きてコートを持って行った。。。７時に起きたいけど、起きなかった。。。くそう。 １１時起きた。。なにもしなかった。。。
でも今日おばさん家へ来た。びっくりした。。。。自分で家事をしなければならないと思った。。。でもそれがいい。。学校をはじめたら、いそがしくなるだから。。。時間がない。
さっきマリヤムがよんだ。アピイルができた。。。でもそれはまずい。。。もうじこくひょうのことがぜんぶきめた。。。どうしよう？ もうかわらない。。。。くそう。。。。ナイムと話したい。。。どうすればわからん。。。。
姉さんが仕事をやめたい。。。もう言ったの。。。先生の仕事はだめだから。。。むずかしいだから。。。でもあの時聞きたくなかった。。。。
ああああ。。。。 今晩ｓｙちゃんにあいたい。たぶんいっしょにめんを食べることができるかもしれないな。。。。いいな。。
さいしょ日本語で書く。。。
6:03 AM
７月２７日２００６年 ８時４５分
今日日本語のダヨリはじめて書いてきめた。勉強のために。。。漢字が下手だから、れしゅうしたい。。。どこかBloggerにおきたいな。。。A Thousand Smiles でおきたって思う。あとでこれをあそこでおく。
今日はいろいろな物をした。楽しいだった。。。家に一人で、Ellegarden を聞いた。。。すげえ楽しかった。。。みんなはもう元気そうね。。。。
でも今SY-ちゃんに会いたい。。。。なんかさびしい。。。。
明日いろいろな物がしたい。。。そうじしたり、勉強したりしたい。。。今日のアラビア語の勉強も楽しかった。。。でも先生がいつもうちの事言ってる。。。ちょっとはずかしかった。。。だれも知らないで、新しい学生らしそう。。。
今年、日本語３をがんばる。。。もっとおもしろいのことを書くことができるから。。。
じゃ、今日はこれまでだ。お休み！
bitten by the rajin bug...
11:37 PM
today fasted. but yet was so rajin that the minute i got home, i changed out and started vacuuming half the house. i thought might as well do it asap. i think i'll do the rooms tmr. it's better to do it like that bit by bit and asap, so that i won't be too drained during the weekend....i always am. I should start getting used to it...but I feel good. I feel the toughness in my arms returning..woohoo!! say byebye to flabby arms!!
yes, people who know will be cuffing me over the head, wondering how the hell can YOUR arms be flabby, you being that size? well Buster, they sure can. trust me. But after just one hoover i almost can feel the difference. yeah!
anyway, 'sall settled. I won't be going for matric fair...many pluses to this, since I want to fast actually. but i thought, if nadiah isn't looking after any booths or whatever, we can hang out, but since she is, then forget it....I'm not poking around booths where I don't want to be seen/associated with. I told her to sign me up for silat if she does during the matric fair. We won't be able to go out but no matter, no big deal. I don't really intend to hang out with her much. That PC module I meant to take with Reeza, but I don't know why I was such an asshole that I just asked her, because I thought it's just her, so no biggie. But yeah I should get used to the process of dissociation. I feel bad for mar, I can't take any module with her this sem :((( and i wanted to badly but then Chem dept mucked up everything and I thought she was just sticking with her econs and chinese so I went to look for another module. which came easily in teh form of Reeza.
unfortunately since I already promised reeza i couldn't back out....so yeah, i'm taking PC instead of IT, unless I don't get it. I would choose IT if it's the same time slot, only that it's easier to choose consider that TB class is 4-6 and IT is 2-4 and I can't run all the way to the arts Fac...it'll be horribly disgusting. I can't afford to be late either, you're graded according to your attendance. which is STUPID, if we're late SORRY LAH. think it's easy to atur timetable is it?
but yeah anyway i ended up going to ree's dance thingie. Shannon asked me too. I decided not to say a word, ree's mad with the Chinese dancers cos she thinks they stole her hp. I know better than to point out that it could have been a servant. when ree's mad she's mad. I'm not close enough as to point out those things to her yet, not like mar or nad.
but anyway, yah i know it's uncharacteristic of me. But because ree asked and asked and in the end i told her IF i can make it. and it turns out that i CAN, because i have only one lesson early on friday and tuition ends latest about 6...meaning I have lots of time to toodle off back to school. And what am I supposed to say, if she asks me what time is your tuition...zahzah tak tau lie, unfortunately..i'll just meekly tell her without being able to lie that it's 3.30 or so, and she'll be like THAT's PLENTY of time and then I don't want the whole md noor incident to repeat again..it was really bad....I don't want us to drift apart or fight forever....ree has always seen me as someone she can confide to, and if that changes I'd never forgive myself. I don't want her to drift away until I can't reach out to her anymore. so i thought, since she had asked and asked...and i didn't know how to say it such that it wasn't obvious i wasn't lying through my teeth, i've always been a freaking bad liar...and i ALREADY did promise i would go if i was free....so there i am. I don't want to support this dance dance thingie, i'm not into performance and that kind of stupid thing but i'd rather just relent this once and hold on to our friendship so that one day, she'll come back to us.
i'll just get nad to say hi to ree and tell her i'm not going cos i'm fasting or something. yeah. at least the matric fair thing is not as important as the dance dance thing. everybody'll be there. and i don't want to be where everybody is.
i feel like celebratin'
8:04 PM
i've stayed away from LJ since saturday, and 今日は水曜日。not bad eh?anyway, yar. お母さん just got her tooth out. So it is no nagging for some time, so even when I was sniffling like the river she said nothing. Of course, I'm thinking that she's asleep.
talked to chong for a bit. he is silat exco...i wanna join silat....i'm online in the hopes that I will see hafie...i don't want to go to matric fair. But actually it is okay lah...I can see nadiah, and it's her birthday....sides got no tuition.....
you know, it's much better blogging here....it's like, i got nothing to say....if i go eljay i will just spam the whole thing. yep. i feel like having a green tea now. yumm.
today two tuitions....grrr....at least i'll get paid for fadlun today....that's a good thing. and tmr, arab...planning to puasa.....finally, back to arab....i miss it muchly.....hope i don't fall asleep....
yeah.....休みはすぐ終わる。いい休みだった。。。been able to sleep in almost everyday and all...now it's time to get back cracking into gear. this morning i woke up at 10.30 or so...a 15 minutes improvement. we're getting there....*grin*
turn me inside out...
6:21 AM
before i ruin everything//don't count me in//i'm not a part of this scheme//hey man, can you hear me?It's gonna be, like, a tradition, where I quote random lyrics that I hear from what (Ellegarden) song I'm listening to. I should pop down and get their newest singles. Damn, they don't sell in Singapore, but I bet even if they do, it'd be a killing.
anyway, I surprised myself today and poured milo on my tutee's foolscap paper. I think I was probably bored/pmsing. Usually I just ignore him if he's being stupid, but for some weird reason I just felt like doing something stupid. Which I did. And I regret. No more milo-pouring tricks from me now.
listening to My Favourite Song makes me miss him. I keep remembering what he said "At first it sounds promising, then the chorus spoils it all." I laughed and agreed with him. I miss him from time to time, just as normal friends do. I always seem to sound as if I'm trying to convince myself, but I know it's true.
Today was really funny, marching out of hte ohuse with my top inside out. I wish SY-chan was around so I could have a good laugh about it with her. But yeah, well, nobody's around right now. The only people worth talking to are her and mar. I'm not interested in anybody else.
Anyway, there goes my off day. Monday. Tomorrow and wednesday, teaching days as usual....thursday I have good news, Ustazah hasn't forgotten about me! Yay! I will be rejoining! Good timing, I've just only about managed to force myself to sleep before it's a single digit. Or at least, into bed. It's good hanging out with someone who lives two hours' time difference. I wish she was here though. SY-chan's become my main online buddy. It used to be renee, but I think we both realised that after Julian came around, we're just drifting apart, but I think we both realise that that WILL Happen and nobody's complaining.
hey, Marry Me. Haven't listened to this in a while.
Ummm yeah. Michigan sent me a letter today. What the hell, I'm not a business professional!!
ohmigod. Na'im just told me the hugest news. My totally hugest crush is going to Thailand joining them. that is teh freaking huge. He's like, the only guy i'd marry at the drop of a coin. Seriously. The person who made me realise what love is to me. wow...but I know that he's unreachable. i'm realistic enough, don't worry. And besides, Japanese husband. yep. Shall wait patiently for that.
but yeah, well he's just told me he'll reach by the time he's gone. oh well, I'm not one to hang around hoping. I have better things to do in my life.
like get a nail clipper. yep.
my sister told me a student of hers tried to jump off the wall. I told her if he'd done it he'd be doing everyone a huge favour, except himself, by the sounds of it. She sounds troubled but she's gotta learn that teacher's can't give too much of a shit. a lotta things ARE beyong our control. What you can do you do. I used to say this all the time to YuQi everytime there was an event 'cos he'd always freak out. And then he'd grin at me and say 'yeah, you're right."
anyway, Ahmad got on TV. Congrats to him for clinching gold. I hope Md noor doesn't get, what do you call it - putus asa - give up, anyway. And I hope he continues trynig again. It took Ahmad three years. He can give it a go too. Anyway, by the sounds of it Juli probably made the national team. I must save up so we can go and watch ASEAN at Vietnam!!!!!!! Hahahahahhaha riiiight. Well, I should give it a go. Let's rope in someone as well to go with me. might AC go? Nah, she's a football freak. Maybe one of the silat guys or something. Yep.
okay! I think I can't think of anything else to ramble about. Oh yarrrrrrrr. Bleach is showing on CH 56, but i have it not, and I DO have the whole anime. gwahaahahaha. PLUS there's the FA community shield cup on the 13th, Liverpool and Chelsea. I gotta watch that. Yep. Kick ass Liverpool.
7:26 AM
待ってるけど、きみがこない。
I say brrrr
6:58 AM
aw come on, that's TWO chick flicks I've caught in a bleeding Day. First it was the Barbie diaries, and then it was bring it on. Come on, もう映画館で見たんだよ。not that I"m proud of that fact, but hey, じゅうよんさいだった。。。but it brings back lame-ass memories.BP's Cheerleading comp is pretty famous and it's a HUGE event at the school. Teachers made exceptions for it. I have no idea why. If they haven't mucked it up yet, my juniors, it's probably still a big event. Everyone came for it. school ended early for it. We all stayed back and practised. In secondary two, when I became class councillor, I was busy choreograhing goddamn routines and writing cheers ripped from BSB songs. And we did really well then, second place.
Third year, I screwed it all up....sigh. But well, we weren't very into it, I have to admit. '06 was all into it and their routine was damn punk. It was pretty good. We were just borrowing off Bring It On and only less than half of us were actually into it. I sucked as a cheerleader then. But after we didn't make it through, I eventually got over it, (lost my voice), but I kicked everyone's spirit back up, and people knew me for that crazy kick-ass cheerleader with a hell of a voice. I continued to lead the school for cheers most of the time, with the councillors - I led the cheers for my class for camp, and without me there was just no cheering.
In orientation, i was an OGF because I didn't think i could go through orientation again, and once again, everyone was amazed by the power of my voice. It's not only choir that expanded the damn lungs, I was a pretty seasoned cheerleader by then. I was louder than a school sometimes. Pretty cool - then. AFter that it just became uncool. to me, anyway. I think it's still something pretty cool to people five years younger than me, but nuh-uh, I'm a mature woman now. Cheerleading is a thing of my past, with emphasis on the past. So I listen to punk rock, but we need things to make us feel young.
The kitty's next to me in her basket. She's really cute.
It seems to be improving, the eye, Alhamdulillah. I think I WILL pull off fasting if I wake up in the morning and still feel great. The eye, anyway. Insya'Allah. We'll see how it goes. Am waiting for my best friend to turn up now, but I dunoe if she ever will. oh well. not a problem by me. life doesn't change, except that I need to tell her I might not be able to make it because of Teh Eye.
12:25 AM
thank you man, but don't trouble yourself//so you wonder why I chose her//maybe it's good we didn't meet then//leave us aloneher sweet smile is cure for my wounded mind//that's all and you wouldn't understand
--Ellegarden, Under Control.
Just listening to this song. Yep. Didn't use to like it but hey. I dunoe, all the songs I've heard live are all growing on me. Surfrider Association, Supernova, 13 ( a bit), Stupid, Under Control, Kaze no Hi (although it had already begun to grow on me before I started watching live shows) etc.
'stead of coffee, i'm swigging some vit. c drink, in teh hopes it will alleviate teh eye infection insya'Allah. I'm really praying that I don't have to go to the doctor tonight. If I do, I'm going tonight. If it improves, which it seems to be doing insya'Allah, with the amount of eyemo i've literally poured into it, then hopefully I won't have to go at all. That would be wonderful.
well i've got tuition tomorrow. bummer to the plans of bumming around, but hey, since I took today off, I guess it's due.
I find that I keep going online in the hopes to see SY-chan or maryam online so I can talk to someone or something. that's the only reason I turn this thing on. Oh, and to blog, and watch live shows. I don't even read fics anymore. (but i daresay I will start when exams begin next semester. I'm a complete arse.)
someone kill me, I watched the Barbie Diaries today and enjoyed it. Okay, so I was doing chores but i enjoyed it and actually stuck around for teh ending. My sister's theory is that I haven't watched anything as cliched as that for ages. I hope that's true and that I'm not slowly turning into a pool of mush.
I strained my arm picking up a green tea packet. Age, it's indefatigable.
How to know you're freaking old:
1) When you say the word beverage, you think green tea, tea or coffee. It's no longer a Coke or wahtever junk people drink nowadays.
2) You strained your arm picking up a green tea packet.
3) You're so bored, you'd actually do chores to kill time.
4) Nobody gives a shit about you anymore aka you make a decision to go to the doctor and you tell your mom not because you need her to cart you away, but just out of courtesy, because you were planning to go yourself anyway.
The only things that make me feel young is that my dad gave me 50 quid for the doctor, which I hadn't planned for ( I was just going to pay for my own sickly expenses) and that I still listen to what mukmin calls immature music. Well, he didn't exactly say that, but he said that the music you listen to quietens the more mature you get. Bollocks, I say. I'll probably be listening to punk rock for the next 20 years or so, until I'm so bogged down with age and kids that I just give up. Who knows, I might be married to a punk rocker, or preferably, an ex-punk rocker and then I'll probably develop an aversion to it. I don't fancy really marrying a punk rocker, much as I may gush over Hosomi Takeshi.
yum. that was a good fix, that vitamin c drink. no more coffee for me for two weeks. I'm not taking chances. I'm thinking that the green mucus was a reaction to a boil appearing at the roof of my eyelid, which was a reaction to the heat, generated by the weather and exacerbated by the coffee.
For a while i thought my english skills had gone to shot, but I think I"m still afloat.
cool, kaze no hi.
so , whattare my plans for today? nobody knows. even I don't. God does, though. It probably involves nothing important. I just have this urge to watch the live shows when I listen to Kaze no hi, because it sounds so much better live. he just played it faster and takada's bass was louder but heck it made a lotta a difference.
I want to do something useful. I thought of hoovering but somehow, the debris getting in my eye doesn't appeal. the house feels clean, and someone's got the telly on. They wouldn't appreciate it, that's for sure. Maybe tuesday or some time. Or next weekend as planned, when my eye has recovered and can endure any debris coming in. I'm praying that the debris from my fan isn't going to kill my eye. gawd. I'm going to stay in a nice, breezy area in japan.
speaking of marriage. crap, I'm getting influenced by that barbie crap. About the whole being in love with someone but not knowing. No i am not in love with him. He's like my brother. It doesn't matter that you're over protective of him - you're like that with his friends because you're like that with ALL your friends - that's true - because you know how sensitive he is, so you try to look out for him. It isn't anything special. He buys you dozens of things and you're comfortable enough to ask him to and know that you'll actually get it. It's because you treat him like a sibling. it's got nothing to do with whatever rubbish crap invisible chemistry that is known to everybody except us.
I can't face it if it actually happened. it's not even the whole "we'll never be friends again if it didn't work out!" it's because that's what he really is- my friend. That I can never imagine it any way other than that. damn barbie. really.
I guess not everybody appreciates punk. *sobs* it's okay. that's why it's called punk rock. Everyone's got their tastes in music. I wasn't too wowed by last smile or standing bird, myself. I love my punk rock, everyone likes something else I don't like. That's just me, I like noisy punk. Nobody told them to download anything. But I suppose I should stop forcing my tastes on other people. Ashri didn't. It was only after we got a lot closer that he started showing me the stuff he listened to. And it wasn't as if he was forcing me to. I was the one who started liking it and borrowed all his CDs.
yeah. Even if no one else likes Punk, I do. that's what matters. this isn't meant to be serious, really. What am I on??? god damn barbie.
sighness.
8:02 PM
I am so bored outta my mind, I might actually vacuum the house although I already planned to do it next week.But teh eyes are teh pain. I might not, yet. If I can find something else to do. It's the green-eye mucus thing again. I probably need some bacteria killer for that one. I tried going to the doctor, but unfortunately he opens in the evenings. If it doesn't let up, I'm heading there after maghrib. I need that ointment. But right now I'm hoping that eyemo will work. there were a coupla thingies on the pharmacy shelves that looked like it might have worked but i thought that I'd rather not risk going blind, God Forbid.
So, um. Yeah. Maybe i shall go see if there's any vegetables to pick through. yep.
whoah
6:52 AM
cool. I think some people stumbled upon this place.what was I about to say? oh yeah. I've a damned family thing I gotta attend next weekend. Suck, I was just about to vacuum teh house. Please let me escape this. I'm not into the arwahs thing, ya noe. But well, I guess if not going just kicks up a damn fuss and pisses a lot of people then you might as well give up and just show your face for the sake of it. Doesn't mean that I'm a front-line advocate. I'll make it clear though - I don't believe in it. But at least, their children are saying prayers for them so ader jugak. yang extra2 tu huAllahu'alam. You know even though I told SY-chan that i regretted everything, I guess without it I wouldn't have learnt some important things I have learnt.
maaaaan. I can't stop myself from going to youtube and watching Elleg. live shows. Hosomi-san is tres cute. Of course, the premiere cute is Takada-san but because all he does is jump around while Hosomi-san grabs the stage, we all tend to notice only him. He's good at it too. So cute when he grins, although he's no looker (especially by, say, Hyde standards, but WHO is???), he just makes me grin goofily back. And his comical actions! Waaaai. There's really something about him and his smile that just radiates so much happiness, comic and genki-ness that just cheers me up and smile back. And even though I ADORE Takada-san's playing, I guess that since it's Hosomi-san's voice that we all listen to that just makes him seem so special.
He should really keep that haircut. instead of that long hair he used to have. Longish, anyway. That covers his face, because if it does then you can't see the cute way his eyes crinkle. Sigh. He really isn't much of a looker, but I guess this is when someone's smile really makes them look soooo ......cute. Endearing. I seriously wouldn't mind if my guy looked like him. I wouldn't even not mind, I'd love it. I mean if he was good-looking like Hyde you'd be having sleepless nights wondering whether that woman was giving him the hit or something.
And of course, he's so Thin. I love thin guys, I don't know why. I don't even like stocky guys. Because...I guess because I'm thin, myself. Not to boast, but I do have a pretty kickass figure (that is the only thing that is kickass about me, although I could do better in the chest department. but still, celebrities kill for my waistline.) so if I go out with a stocky guy, i mean...it'd be weird. I'm dainty, so if my guy's all bulky....bleh, I just don't fancy it. I really don't know why but i've always had a thing for thin guys since last time..al my crushes are dead thin, but na'im is too thin. Like Hosomi-thin is good....perfect. Takahashi-san, by my standards, is too bulky, even though he isn't actually really, by normal standards.
so where am I going with this? um right. I want muchly, to have a thin guy, who looks like Hosomi-san, radiates his genkiness. Sigh. I think I have seriously fallen for him, the way I fell for Nakamura-san, Byakuya etc. That's the second real live person I fell for. As in, someone whom I"ll never meet. not as in really fall and want to get married with (tho' i wouldn't mind.....much.)
damn, i love his voice. okay, I'm beginning to sound vaguely stalkerish. i'm outta here.
but i just gotta say this. kaze no hi recorded doesn't do justice to takada-san's bass. It needs to be louder TO REALLY ROCK. that's why the live is sooo much more explosive (and why i keep going there to listen to kaze no hi, even though i have it.)
ふざけんな
2:26 AM
I just told my mom off for letting my aunt mop the goddamned floor. IT'S FINE TO MOP BUT NOT THAT WITH MOP NO. that mop is USELESS!! IT'S - ok, I was going to swear something in Japanese - but you know what? I give up. But well, anyway, she sulks and says fine, we won't ask her to do it for us anymore. Not my problem. She was the one who was so enthusiastic wanting to get her. I just say NOT to use that mop and people start sulking. But you know what? Figures. That's all people know what to do nowadays - sulk. Can't even just take a simple statement to NOT use the freaking mop. it's not as if I said she sucked. I said the MOP sucked. And not to use it.Well then, it's back to the cleaning routine for me then. On the bright side i will hopefully regain my tough solid arms instead of the flab I'm developing. It'll be tiring when school starts, but you know what, maybe I'll just drop dead. Oh well. Better look forward to it, then. Maybe I'll get sick and die. I better get ready to die then. Just do the best that's possible. I'll start with the rooms tmr.
I Finally have my license back *kisses* no big deal since I don't drive actually, but at least some people will stop harping at me to get it. I don't see what the hell is the big deal. And yay, i have my specs back. woohoo. no more contacts. And yay I've posted the letter to Na'im. Finally. So tinggal all house-related chores/errands. Let's check the list I made for the holidays yeah. But I'm pretty sure I'm all set. *grin*
Man, kaze no hi recorded is SOOO tame compared to the explosive version on youtube. I'm off to watch it.
geh.
1:24 AM
waiting for SY-chan to come back online. She dced. or her compie restarted. or something.i shoved my ellegarden CD. Am listening to all teh tracks I've never bothered listening to. But I can single out the ones I love.
The ones that make you KNOW they're indie:
1) Insane
2) Raindrops
3) Kinsei
4) Lost World
5) Stupid
6) New Year's Day
7) Surfrider Association
8) Supernova
9) Stereoman
10) Make A Wish
11) Cakes and Ale and Everything Laugh
12) Perfect Days
13) Oyasumi
The more POPULAR ONES, but still sound like indie punk:
1) Batafurai
2) Jitterbug
3) Migite
4) Sutaafisshu
5) Kaze no Hi
The ones that begin to sound mainstream, but still you like them anyway:
1) niji
2) Missing
3) I hate it (yes, all from the latest album! that's why I prefer their earlier songs. But I still love them.)
4) Won't you Marry Me
5) Bored of Everything
6) A Thousand Smiles (a bit)
7) Hana
8) My 'Favourite Song.
am listening to Supernova. Man! I like the opening! muchly. They're huge, they're really huge...I can't help but think that when i see the magnitude of their audience lately...it's so huge...they're gonna be as big as Laruku....Japan's biggest punk rock band. *sniffle* It's like...watching them grow up....hahhahahaha.....
who the heck is yizack?
8:54 PM
some guy called yizack has previously logged in at this computer. who the hell is he? my dad?uh yeah. I can't stop thinking about it. not since I got out of bed. I mean, not since I saw it. It keeps flashing in my mind, those lyrics: "It's not that I want to shield my feelings, but it's just that I want to make sure I don't get caught up in it, until I forget everything, my dreams..."
I get what mar says about the lyrics.
But I guess I've been telling myself that if he meant it for me, then it's a load of bull.
After all, she DID tell you...that. After that, everything just sort of shattered and it won't ever pick itself up to form a whole again.
I keep telling myself that you have to remember he's one hell of a mushy person who like corny ass songs.
But at the same time, I can't push it out of my mind that that corny ass song is pretty STUPID too. It's not at all nice to listen to. I know dozens more songs that sound tons nicer, so why that song?
But then, I gotta remind myself that his taste in songs probably sucks. Maybe HE finds it nice. It's just a goddamn coincidence, because after what he said, nothing can possibly erase it. Not that song, not one million other songs.
She was right, she shouldn't have mentioned it to me. I already made some progress trying to forget everything. Now I wake up and the first thing that pops into my mind is THAT. ugh. *shakeshead* I'm going to concentrate on Taira-kun. That's a much more worthwhile topic.
Besides I already realised that I'm nothing compared to him. I'll never be good enough for him, the J-punk swearing woman that I am. So I better just be content with that realisation.
I now feel uncomfortable. After what her mom said. It HAS crossed my mind. And a split second later I keep saying and praying please God no. Not Na'im. But sometimes I wonder what it'd be like. Then I shiver and say God NO. It's too weird. He's like my BROTHER. it would be almost incestuous.
oh my.
2:35 AM
there is someone with teh username kuroaki in livejournal. some american. yikesz. and she meant it as blackstar. not blackautumn. hahahahaha. mm mm.*glares at newly bought saline and solution* dammit. I'm going to have to prepare myself mentally as i need to wear contacts on monday. argh. hate contacts. grr. wonder why. dust gets easily in my eyes. mm. and house is dusty. hahahahhaa.
i think i should make a new pair of specs instead. nyahahaha. mm.
going to pursue beck. I AM STARVING FOR MAHO-KOYUKI LOVE. mmyeah.
why's everything so goddamn big??
7:41 AM
I feel like I'm blind or something, everything's been MAGNIFIED.oh well. It's either Blogger or my pc. Oh yeah, just now also Google damn big. What'd my dad do this time. Haiyah....too tired to figure it out already man...I wish he'd stop tinkering.
Actually I realised that I sound as if I'm hantaming mrbrown in my previous post. I'm not. Who I was taking a shot at, actually, was the coupla guys who got convicted for racist comments or not. mrbrown is okay. He's mature enough to know what he's getting himself into, and he above everyone else realise the consequences of whatever he does and is brave enough to do it. Those two are - no comment. been a bit disorganised today.
Am listening to some piano classics. I just love Asian composers. They're like, so honest. Like you feel as if their pieces are really something they want to share with you. European or American ones just sound as if they're just trying to come up with something new and catchy so that their CDs sell. I'm probably being too harsh and assuming, but I'm saying this because of all the piano pieces I've heard, my favourites are always from the unheard of Asian composers. They're the ones, although they sound so, so normal and something you would hear on TV soaps, which tug at your hugstrings and really sounds like music in which you can drown your sorrows in. Yeah.
That meme which had the question "Music reminds you that you are not alone" - I think music reminds me that I AM alone, more than ever. Alone as in, there isn't anybody with me and who will be with me but God, ya know?
Yeah right now, drowning sorrows in music. Yep. It's not really sorrow. More like....wistfulness? I guess we can't help it. We keep wondering what would have been. What if it hadn't happened. What if it hadn't changed. It's a weird feeling. And I feel weak, but well, humans ARE weak. That's why we're humans, and not God, and the sooner we realise it the better. To deny myself that I have feelings would be to deny what He has created in me. I do have feelings and I can't brush them aside because that is the power of emotion that God has given me.
But the thing is, we must learn not to let them get the better of us. Not to obsess over our feelings over other humans that we forget what is it we should be focusing our energies and passions on.
I really think that it has been a lesson. A real damn good lesson. Where I had overspent my energies and love on something that shouldn't - didn't - deserve it. Problem is, when someone makes us happy, it is because he is there, physically in front of us, that we forget that there is someone we must love above all else, even as He is something we cannot see, or hear, or touch. Faith goes up and down because we forget. And here it was, a classic example in which I forgot.
Which has made me a more older, mature person. to know what to expect, what to battle if it ever happened again. To make sure that even as I may grow to love another person, that there is someone who deserves an infinite times more love that anybody else. To make sure that I control my emotions, my desires and everything. I am a girl, I'm a human and I will make mistakes, as I have proven myself to do. But at least I did have some experience and maybe I'll be better at this whole controlling thing, IF it ever happens again.
Thing is, I know myself, and I am one of the most stubborn, not to mention proud, people in the world. Once bitten twice shy? I've only been bitten once. I'm too proud to ever let it happen again, to let myself open up to weaknesses. Sometimes I have had these thoughts float through my mind - no way, it ain't gonna happen, i won't let it, it's stupid, it's a waste of time.
But I guess I must remember. How can we love God if we can't even begin to love other people? So Fizah, remember. When you love people - you love them for the sake of God. So even if they don't love you back it's okay. It's not your problem. It's not anybody's problem. You always knew this. But somehow, I forget....I forget a lot....it's not that I should just give up on people altogether. I can love, but without expecting them to love you back. After all, who am I to expect love from other people? I'm no great sage, I command no great talent or intellect or whatsoever. I'm not a prophet who deserved love from his people.
But I can love, and that is what I can give. Even if I do not deserve love from other people, it is okay. Because God, surely and assuringly, loves all that He has created, which includes me. If I already have such a love, it is so selfish of me to expect more....
mm mm.
6:08 AM
i just found out about the whole mrbrown thingie on the news. hhahhaa. haven't been reading.one of the thoughts that crossed my mind was that I'm very lucky. Cos nobody reads this blog! so I can hantam the government all i want and nobody will care, or no, least of all the government. but mrbrown, unfortunately, being very popular and influential, and also having been asked to write for a column in print - well, yeah. luckily nobody ask me to write column....
but i don't really fancy writing one. Firstly, I will be sued. Like mrbrown. Don't want. I cannot write what I want. What for? I might as well keep to blogging.
see what i say? if you want to keep out of trouble, you don't attract attention lor. see me, i blog happily and rant and say whatever i want because I know i am safe doing so, because even though this is so-called public, nobody reads it. some people they do what i do and then when they get into trouble, it's they ask for it what....who asked them to attract so much attention? bit dumb.
argh! forget about moving to myspace!
4:06 AM
Man, I'll say this. it's soooo difficult to handle.....I don't really get the hang of it. Unless I manage to get it looking the way I want, then I'm not moving! besides, my friends ARE all at lj. what to do...and there's another thing. you can only use GIF in myspace, and the quality of my wallpapers are all dissed. that sucks! my wallpaper's beautiful. converting it to GIF makes it look all grainy and yucky.so I suppose, unless kakak las can help me, I won't be moving anytime soon. mm yeah. it's nice because you can put up vids, but HOWWWWW. hahhahahaaa. ok. me is hungreh.
recursive hypocrisy???
8:30 AM
amazing the names one can come up for one's blog.yeah but anyway. my trenchcoat is like an incredibly fashionable hot water bottle. I wore it for a few seconds and I stopped sneezing and started to sweat like nobody's business. Man, I have a real bad feeling that tomorrow's gonna be one hell of a hot day.
Anyway I'm going to redo this blog using my new background. I'm gonna quit lj soon and move to myspace - as soon as I finish myspace up anyway. it's really hard manoeuvring it. Well, at least it's something to do, although I actually do have tons of things to do.
Thursday! Run errands day. I'll start off with going to the TP HQ and applying for my new license. Then can go Bedok. I was wondering if I should pull off doing my laptop in the same day. Well, if Maryam wants to go with me, I suppose so, i.e. I can have lunch outside. If not then I'll do the laptop thing another day. Saturday? Nah. Monday or something. I'll try to pull it off on the same day though, it's really irritating having these things clog my mind. I can't rest in peace till I get all these errands done.
I'm proud of my new background. didn't come off the way I envisioned it. But it's nice and fresh. woohoo. sick of byakuya looking down austerely when I visit my public blog.
yeah. I'm kind of wide awake so I thought I'd do some work.
oh PLEASE.
3:27 AM
I don't see why everybody's making excuses for zidane. i've always loathed him. Materazzi can be a real git, everybody knows that. But you gotta be kidding me if you're a professional football player and you can't turn a deaf ear or whatever. The only excuse is that he's human, but to say that its alright for him to do that just because Materazzi was a git is stupid. Just let him be a git, why the hell do you want to lower yourself to his level? So there isn't any reason for Zidane to do whatever he did, except that he's human, and that's it. I can't stand the French coach. He's right up there with Scolari. How dare he say that Pirlo shouldn't be the Man of the Match. Pirlo was brilliant. He's ALWAYS been brilliant. He's not been perfect but he's been great in controlling the pace. Even the most rabid French skipper would admit that.Italy has a few gits, but they have played well and have been the only consistent team this year. Everyone else had peaks and off forms. Minus the USA game, they've been extremely consistent, focused and even if they have a few gits on the team, which team doesn't? portugal has a git for a coach.
If you want to talk professionalism, you just put it this way: "you have Cafu. And then you have Zidane/Rooney." (can't decide which one is more appalling. Rooney, I guess. He's even worse than Zidane when it comes to the overrated scale.)
nakitakunai shi, makitakunai shi, warattetai kara!
6:04 AM
hahahahha! now I got no school, not a lot of obligations except for tuition you'll find me online and blogging quite frequently. But I expect when school begins I will barely be able to breathe.First on Monday, I will get to school at 10 (I'm still lucky enough to have no 8 am classes yet but I don't expect that to last, because I'm still lacking one module.) I will have Jap lecture with Peiwen-san first thing in the morning, and then 3 hours straight of Jap philosophy.
Then I'll have a 3 hours for lunch/dinner/solat until 6, which I will share with Maryam. At 6, I head off to French, and then at 7.45 I finish, head to AS 6 to solat, probably Isyak as well, maybe have dinner if someone's around to have dinner with me, and then go home.
On the way home I will probably study/read readings, but most probably study for tests in TA class which will take place at 10 the next morning. After which I'll have break for lunch/solat, and my last lecture for the day MS, but I'm trying to squeeze it another module after that so MS will probably not be my last module if I can make it that way. Then if I end at 6, I'll just Asar first and then go home where I will Maghrib and then go to the mosque for Tafsir. If I end at 4, I'll go home first. And on the way home, I will study for TB quiz, or read readings.
Then the next day, at 10, or I'm gonna put 11 so that I can sleep in after coming home dead from the mosque - I will have just one pathetic hour of MS tutorial. Then after that when I finish at 12, I will go and have lunch, solat and head to tuition at Fadlun's or Ashfar's. Hmm, which is more convenient? Ashfar's at sembawang, the walking distance is shorter. Kalau fadlun, kena naik 858. Kalau lambat mampus....but I think it's most probably Ashfar since Fadlun mintak Friday....so I will head to Sembawang for tuition at 3. If cannot then no choice, Fadlun kena amik Wednesday because she's fine that way, her 3 o clock slot is fine - either way I'll finish at 4.30, and head back to school immediately where I will Asar and then there is Silat....I'll probably just bring nothing to school except my tuition stuff, so at least no need to lug backpack around.
Then Silat ends at 8...will Maghrib, Isyak, have dinner, and then go home and cont' studying for TB.
or Read readings.
Sucks ar....next day must get up by 7 to go for Arab....need to kluar rumah at 8 to reach at 8.30...or 8.15 ar hahahahha.....then will nod off in ARab....will be my worst day, some more need to carry all my ARab stuff....then when Arab ends, at around 10.30, immediately go to school for TB...latest I can leave is 10.45....
Then I'll have TB, and straight after that is French lecture. Then got 2 hour break....luckily....at 3.45, will zuhur, makan and asar and try to study or something while waiting for French tutorial at 6...I expect I will probably be doing homework....hahahaha...I'll need to bawak both my French, Jap and Arab books...how jialat....all three languages in one day....habis at 7.45, maghrib, isyak, kalau ader geng makan....then go home and must study for Kaiwa the next day....
then TC class is at 9 next day....hoping to feel the next two slots with some GEM lessons...then after that off to tuition...either Fadlun or Ashfar.
the paling rabak day will be thursday ar....not only will be drained from silat but also need to go Arab pagi2....mati....okay...must really look after myself or otherwise maintain good mental strength....don't need to be so what already zah....just try your best and don't slack off....don't waste time...paling2 baca some manga once a month or watch football if you feel like dying....at least i don't need to waste any time organizing things...
saturday....wake up at 7 again...go tuition...then after head straight to school for silat...i can't remember whether it's at 12 or 11...hope it's 12...kalau 11 cannot make it...actually 12 also cutting close ar....might have to reschedule...like 8...then can make it. silat until 2, then straight away go home and eat and solat and then ngaji....after that...I think i will die....i will probably sleep the day away.
Then must do all homework...french, jap and arab...ish....and hten the next day ashfar again, but at least can relek2...no need to vacuum, paling pun cuci jamban...cuci jamban tak setiring vacuum...vacuum boleh pengsan, 3 hours....kalau cuci jamban dalam 1/2 hour boleh...rembat je....
cannot procrastinate and buang masa...so i will blog puas2 then i don't want to blog when sch starts anymore.....must buat term papers as soon as dah kluar topic....then rajin2 stay back to buat research if necessary...must remember that the time consuming part is hte researching and reading part.....must not waste time stoning and listening to mp3 on mrt....must do readings by hook or by crook....esp. MS and philosophy...must get Apluses for both...and must get at least A- for jap and french, cannot let my standard drop...nasib arab takder CAP.....and breadth pun try your best....kalau perlu baru S/U....tapi siak ar...mungkin this term s/u pasal banyak sgt tuition tapi at least next year tak rabak sangat....paling2 pun due budak ajer so not so bad lah eh....
been a tres bonne semaine.
8:30 AM
i've totally wrecked my french past tenses, I can't remember how they go.But anyway.
I think I'll give a bit of thanks to God for blessing me with such a wonderful wonderful week.
1) Monday - Mom's operation - CANCELLED.
I'm not really happy in the sense that I'm kicking for joy. But the good thing is I do know Mom will be sore to have her teeth removed. And now it's been put to October at a clinic near you. And that means she can keep her teeth for a bit more. Well it's her rezeki, Alhamdulillah. Maybe they'll find it's alright, somehow. We shall keep praying, God is great.
2) Tuesday - Took cab to An-Nur.
I know this is soooo trivial. But my sister sees how cheap it is, maybe she'll let us take the cab more often seeing how fast it is.
3) Wednesday - nothing much.
4) Thursday - OUT WITH THE ONLINE PALS. GOD. I HAD SUCH A BALL OF A TIME. SERIOUSLY I WILL REMEMBER THAT DAY FOREVER. It was something really special, to be able to hang out with SY-chan and Lyzie. Lyzie's my oldest friend, and SY I consider her my closest because we hung out a lot just before she left for Australia....so it meant a lot to me to have been given the chance to see them both. Sigh. I miss her already, and it sucks that there is no Internet easily available where she is. Having them around gave me an important sense of normalcy I've not been able to enjoy properly for ages.
5) Friday - NA'IM GAVE ME THE BEST NEWS I'VE HEARD ALL WEEK.
I AM GOING TO OWN NAKAMURA SHUNSUKE'S JERSEY, WHICH IS SOMETHING I'VE DREAMT ABOUT IN MY WILDEST DREAMS. (alright I'll admit my wildest dreams are a lot wilder than just owning the jersey but yeah, you get it.) I mean, really. After Michael Owen sort of spoozled out of action...I've just been out of football for a really long time. And Nakamura sort of inspired me to get back to it again, I really fell in love with the unique way he plays. It's a pity that I won't get to see him play much but I'm going to keep an eye out for international tournaments and the Champions' League, who knows the Celtics might make it. But more importantly, I'm a Japan supporter for life. I need a Japanese jersey, and what better than Nakamura's?!???!?
Actually I wouldn't have minded Inamoto but he and Nakata are too popular for their own good. Besides, Nakamura looks so decent. I'm not saying they look indecent mind you, I love Inamoto's playing style and he's cute, but Nakamura, for an European-based player, is so unique.
I half fiddled with the thought of owning Miyamoto's. He's gorgeous and he plays really well mostly. But nah, no one strikes my heart like Nakamura does. Though he really could have done better in the Brazil match, but with his disadvantages of speed and physique, it's probably really tough. But in spite of Japan bowing out, I personally think this team is a notch up the previous. If Zico'd put in Inamoto from the beginning....and had not been content to hold on to the 1-0 lead....i really think they had a good chance making it into second even with Brazil in the group. And I think they were doing alright until Ronaldo sort of killed their hopes with an equalizer just before the half time. Argh, I should stop harping about this, it's OVER. IT'S THE FINALS FOR GOD'S SAKE.
but I almost can't believe it...beyond my wildest dreams....i've always dreamed or imagined that I would be clasping a Japanese jersey in the next four years....and forever....now it's going to come true....Gosh.....I really owe Na'im. He's a wonderful friend.
Speaking of which, he seems to be a bit moody. I think I probably am too exuberant with him, but I can't help it. I miss him loads. I consider him and Maryam to be like my other 2/3rds if you get what i mean. It's always never complete if it's just any two of us. We're best buddies. We went through the worst times and the best times together. How can anybody accuse us of the high regard and affection we have for each other? But I can understand I suppose....I'd be jealous too, if I was his girlfriend. Still, it's difficult for me to understand, because his girlfriend happens to be really good friends with us. So....maybe it's not us, okay, i get that ...it's just the whole priority thing....but you know, for Na'im to say such a thing sort of took me aback.....I never thought he'd tell me to be careful about how I talk about him because I know very well and I feel that everyone knows that the three of us go way back. But I suppose it's all about getting old....I mean if we're all married...fine, if they both get married with their spouses....I suppose the three of us couldn't hang out like old times any more.....
I don't think I want to grow up if you think of it that way.
But still, he's been a wonderful friend and he's always trying his best to cheer me up and I really can't express my gratitude how cheered I am by the prospect of owning a Japanese jersey. I shall seriously make it my most prized possession. I thought it would never be possible because those things are Expensive. actually i'm still a bit in denial...it's unreal....but imagine...to hold it in my hands....arrrrrrgggggggggggghh....a real adidas blue japanese jersey...i might weep. and to have number 10 on it....sigh....i'm so lucky. the boys are going to howl.
6) that was long. Kak Lijah came by and gave us a lot of interesting stories. but she told me that i should really go for SEP and you know, I think I'm gonna give it a better go. I'm going to print out that brochure and give it to my folks. They might change my mind and feel a bit better then. I still have about 10 days or so.
I'm ont banking on it but I'm not giving up and I'm redoubling my efforts. She's really inspired me to be brave and put aside my fears and believe in Him. Insya'Allah if I get through I'll be able to make it...I mean look at Na'im, he's brave enough to have stuck it for a year....Kak Lijah too...I'll be there for 3 months....it'll be alright. I just have to put my best foot forward. there's so many things going on for me, I can live so many of my dreams for a while - especially meeting the muslim community in Japan....it'd be really a huge pity if I passed up the chance.
7) I managed to catch the semifinals match FINALLY. BOTH G-I AND F-P. of course I missed bits and pieces because i dozed off and things like that but I got the gist. And yeah, I believe that as for Germany they were playing alright but I still think Italy just sort of improves with every game. They've not slipped up yet and never let a win get to their heads. I think it's because it's the notion of having to play champions that has them refusing to let their guards down. On other hand, teams playing Italy recently have had the excuse to remember that they've gone further than italy for the last 3 finals. when you play like you need to claw your way up, it's with a hunger and a thirst that you pursue your win. Germany is trying to win for the sake of Honour, for their countrymen that they are playing in front of....
Italy on the other hand, realise that they've no home support or little, so they want to prove so much that they can do this....i can get the pressure of not having a lot of people cheering for you but having practically the whole house cheering for hte opposition. it's painful but apparently for Italy it gives them mental strength and a nothing-to-lose edge.
oh wow, i can really go on and on about this.
they will face the same thing in the finals with France, France being nearer --> more supporters. I will give it to france. But I will say this also. Their defence is the one that I will commend. The Striking has not been creative at all. And it was italy's creativity that got them through the OT - beautiful play by del piero to grosso! italy is a truly creative, all rounded team. Solid in their defense - sth everyone has - but their edge is their creative striking tactics. Something that France and Germany lack a bit. Germany has the odd shine of brilliance, but it pales. Brazil, is also creative but unfortunately they've lost the chance to really display it. But I watched a bit of the B-F match - not all - I'll admit that I was not that impressed by france, but I didn't watch enough of it...but i do remember that air play title is hel dby brazil. nobody handles the ball in the air as well as brazil does, and i'll say brazil's edge is that - their ability to handle the ball in the air, because not all teams can do that, not even italy, definitely not germany and france, portugal can but not as well - and brazil really outclass all teams in that area. I'll say it helped them a great deal in winning, you should see it - nobody can get the ball when brazil has it in the air.
Problem is football isn't entirely a game in the air. and on the ground, brazil has a lot of contenders. france has just as fancy footwork - italy even more - so I daresay even if it was, say, brazil vs italy - it would have been one damn close match. i'm not saying it wouldn't be, but a brazil-italy match, or a portugal-italy match - would have been an extremely creative one, with lots of football flair. that's what i think anyway. france and germany are more boring teams with not as much creativity, apart from the occasional spurts of brilliance, germany more than france. but not enough for italy.
well yeah....i think taht's about it, my low-down on it after I've Finally watched the semis. but i'm still not satisfied...i want to watch the brazil -france match esp. the second half, because from teh first half i'm not as wowed as I think i should be by france, judging from reports....what's so good about france???? i want to see!!!! even ac says france were at their peak then, and after that not so - i tend to agree judging from the f-p match the way they just stuck with thedefense after the penalty and let portugal do all the attacking, i'm not impressed by that, shows just impenetrable tenacity, not uniqueness or creativity. let's hope that it's true, so that italy can finally hold the cup after 12 years.
yeah...s'about it....and 7) the wedding. been looking forward to it! i think i'm going to go sleep, but sy-chan is online. hmm...but i'm rather tired....darn....
hmm yeah.
12:39 AM
I have Migraine, which is very very bad because I have a Wedding Invite Tomorrow. Anyway, the problem with The Cousin is Solved. Because Nura will not be going with the Old Mates whom I am not familiar with and we will be going together instead. So whether the cousin is coming or not makes little difference.What to wear what to wear. I think I shall pakai baju kurung. Yeah. Maybe the Kain Songket one...which is sooooo asyik dipakai but oh well. Either that or my black one, but that one is a killer to walk in, the skirt sucks. And there's good bit of journey that I have to walk through to get to the CC.
But yeah, that's about it, not as if I need to accessorize, I don't wear accessories.
Me is hungry.
For the second time I watched France portugal AND FELL ASLEEP AGAIN. Argh. So Now I've missed about the last ten minutes of the first half and first ten of the second. I've been trying to catch it to see for myself if it's Really True France is good. But somehow I do not think so. At least, I don't think that they're really that much better than Portugal. Either the same or slightly better at the very most, and I really don't think so. But their defence is like a Wall. Italy's gonna have hell breaking through that.
I NEED to watch Germany Italy. I must see for myself how germany really did. Some people said Italy was diving and all but somehow I've always got the feeling Germany was losing a bit of steam toward the end, like their peak was Sweden. They were really fluid then.
yay. insomnia hitting the target again.
9:35 AM
Now, if I had insomnia during exam time (or say, even just during lecture time or normal school time) I would be duly grateful.Of course it probably has something to do with the fact that I wake up at something close to noon, and sometimes even go right back to sleep (it's amazing. how do I manage to do that? I can sleep at any hour except the hour that people are supposed to sleep.) but argh, it just comes and goes, this sleep thing. Although it more often than not comes at truly inappropriate times, and go when you really need it.
He's online. I told myself to just ask him if he's there...what the hell, doesn't matter - but I can't. It's probably owing to the fact that 1) I do not date. 2) You can't just simply ask any old guy out for a wedding invitation no less! 3) I just don't have the nerve.
So what now? It's either going with him, or the old friends whom I don't really know or something IF nazifah refuses, heaven forbid. Ohpleaseohplease let her come. I really really need it. I don't to go with him, I don't want to go with my old friends, I don't want to trump along with Mar and Adil either. (like hell they'd let me anyway. ehhehehee. Even if I AM their planner.) But I must go, Irma's invited me and it's important that I go for her. I don't particularly think she's hanging upon me or anything but she IS an important friend of mine and I think that I should go. Nura's extended a nice hand of invitation to me already. Most likely I will sound her out and hang out with them, but I'm Really hoping I can have my dear little cousin with me as company.
Oh well. I might as well just resign myself to that fact. I mean it's probably going to be like that. I will never work up the courage to ask him, and it's not as if I'll feel any more comfortable with him either. He's not chong or md noor. It's totally different. He's almost an alien.
Not in that sense but you know what I mean.
It's just a wedding, for goodness sake. Pull yourself together you fool.
Oh my, I've got tuition before then. Got to write that in. I've got a sort of security about me looking at my calendar and all my events written down nicely and neatly in front of me, ready for perusal at any go, always updated. I get round to updating it pretty often which is why.
Why'm I banging about this for? Oh yeah, saw him online. Oh well. Shall resign myself to that fact and let it go.
Had a bang up argument with the mam just now, but I've decided not to care and stop having any more bang ups. I've realised that I've actually become pretty good at controlling my anger, except one time - when I'm PMSing. Apparently just now was one of those times. Funny everytime I lose my temper it's during that one time, when I'm expecting. Oh well, who careth.
I hope SY-chan gets the message from her mother. I am quite looking forward to meeting her this thursday, it's a break from the monotony. I think it's quite stupid really, the comment that I keep going out with my friends. The last time I went out with anybody was on the, um....16. Yep, Friday with Jennifer. You could say another time was the following monday with my cousins and sister, but they aren't friends, they're family. So that makes it about 2 and a half weeks. I'd define "always going out" as going out every week or every day or something. But I've gone out with my friends a grand total of Four Times. Once with Jen, twice with chong and muk, and once with chong and we only just had lunch because nobody was cooking at home and we had to feed ourselves. Four times...in two months.
the mother is up but it's not as if I can go to sleep. I think I"ll lie in bed and maybe listen to the radio, maybe there's something funny to hear or something.
an almost Hermionesque fervence.
8:50 PM
I don't even know if there's such a word as Fervence. But who cares?I'm utterly divided as to whether I want school to begin or not. I love studying French and Japanese, and I'm certainly looking forward to that. I'm also looking forward to Japanese philosophy and I think maybe, if Hidayah is, I will take MS1101E and then I'll have a friend, which is teh good. One more breadth, which Mar and I hope to take together.
Then I'll only be geng-less for French (used to it.) and Jap philosophy (might as well get used to it.)
But on the other hand, I hate waking up early. Gah! I've thoroughly enjoyed the ability to crack open one eye and clamp it shut again, or roll around. yes. I have a wonderful hobby don't I? Very enriching too, I might add. I'm going to miss that.
Not to mention that when school starts, things are going to be extremely hectic. Already I end at 8 on Monday. I very likely may have to end at 8 other days too. And even if I don't I have mountainloads of work to do. And there's still teaching tuition. I have a record of 3 at the moment. It's horrible - 5 times a week. Sigh. Just thinking about it makes me weary.
Plus, the World Cup is going to end. Sigh.
Anyway, it's really annoying how people suddenly want to watch the World Cup even though they've not watched football in their lives beforehand. I think I understand AC on this. Not I think, I do. But that's the only thing - I do not understand the Man. U. devotion. Oh well, not as if people can understand my Liverpool devotion. It's really blind loyalty I tell ya.
But I think next season I'll try to be a better fan. I've been out of it for many years now, ever since I was in Uni (and that's a year.) so I think I should rekindle my devotion.
I think it's time better spent rather then sitting in front of the computer really. Some people may say there's not much difference but I say there is. Football is healthier for the mind, I swear. Sitting online is a huge waste of time especially considering that I don't really have a desire to talk to anybody.
And this'll be the first semester I'm going to spend as a lone ranger. I mean I always have, with the exception of last semester, but the thing is before that I was always one so it didn't matter, now I know that I am purposely running away from my friends it's another thing altogether. But I prefer it. Being with people are annoying. Especially with many people. I'm tired of having to open my mouth and talk and be friendly. I am not friendly by nature, so stuff it. I'm just friendly around people because it's a conditioned reflex. I've always been friendly but it doesn't mean I enjoy it. I'd rather just be with myself or maybe a good friend or two, like Maryam and Na'im, but that's about it. And I can't wait for Na'im to be in NUS, we can coordinate timetables and hang out together. it's like we're Hermione, Ron and Harry (okay, I've definitely gone off the end, but don't blame me - I've been reading HP for the past few weeks). I was thinking Maryam has to be Hermione because she's the smartest, but I'm the bossiest and the naggiest. So I should be Hermione. Plus Maryam and Na'im were best blokes before I came in so that makes sense. So who's the tragic hero - Mar or Na'im? Na'im's got a bit of an oversensitive side. On the other hand now that I'm thinking about it Ron and Hermione have something going on, which is so not true of either of us. I think Na'im should be Harry, because he's like the main character and me and Maryam are always trying to fade away. So Mar should be Ron. She's got a sarcastic sense of humour - no wait, in that case - nah, harry should be Na'im. he always had that tragic hero thing going on.