nee-san mo osowareta to omou
10:43 AM
yeah. anyway, I feel sooo RELIEVED. okay, part of me felt a bit ...umm deflated? well i can't help it! I really used to be mad about him. but then I knew deep down if it ever happened and if i buckled in, like i did last time, i would regret it insanely....he was the only one I don't think I would have regretted insanely. Just a bit, but not insanely.But at least! now I can do it without feeling awkward or afraid or on tenterhooks or as if he isn't just some random guy who happened to walk up to you and ask. Yes! It looks like this sem isn't going to be full of deep shit after all, as I worried to chong. it's going to be pretty cool! I can have a blast with him because he is one funny-ass guy.
It's like all the breath has gone out from me with one whoosh, you know what I mean?
(I want my CoS back! I BOUGHT IT. takpe zah...sabar....)
and my itchiness has died down also, i think i can sleep. yay Alhamdulillah.
Anyway! I'm really really happy. I worried for a while because I really really wanted a jap guy! YES!!! I'm still in the running for it. It's like...everytime something happens that mak- whoa. did i just see the culprit Mozzie whiz past me?
but anyway yah. when it happened with him i was really sad that i might not get a jap guy after all. When this one happened I was afraid all over again. I wanted him so badly, a jap guy. And I can still hope! i still have hope! insya'Allah.
why do I want a jap guy so badly? because i want to live in japan and da'wah there. So i don't want to settle for less. I arranged my life so carefully. It's either that or nothing. because I want to do that for the rest of my life. So he has to be that, or, at the very least, share my dream. Because if he isn't willing then what for? But then again if he's like him.....I would give it all up. Well, 'snot as if I would settle for less really. But because I want so badly to achieve my dreams...I pray that if Allah wants me to be with somebody, that it will be someone who will be able to help me achieve my dreams, especially this particular one. Because I still have not met him yet...or don't know who he is, I still have the chance and I won't give up hoping. Tapi in the end, I will insya'Allah accept whoever He has bestowed upon me.
that's why i am so lembik. I must be stronger...always remember this ultimate goal of mine so i will stop falling for every other tom dick and harry who is nice. I must fall for the, uh *insert jap names* who is nice. Hahahhaahha!
okay. alhamdulillah itch is dying down. can finally zz.
Okay that's it.
3:52 AM
I tried to run something which is supposed to be okay. something school asked us to do. It won't run. I am going down to the shop then. There is something running in my laptop that is not allowing me to operate anything that I've obtained from online. I can't identify what it is for myself and I better do this asap. so I better settle next week's schedule.I think I'm gonna suggest that we go Johor on Wednesday instead, yeah. So on Monday I think I'll use that time to go to the service center...unless my period isn't there yet. If it isn't, then I shall fast instead. And then maybe go on....I don't know, anyday, even with tuition is fine because tak payah solat so it's okay. But I hope my period comes by Monday so I can settle it. Hmm, maybe even if it doesn't I think I WILL just go. So that I can settle it asap. Boleh solat somewhere, doesn't matter. In that case maybe I should go Orchard and Bugis then? Everything on a Monday? Maybe. Should I ask Nadiah eh....nah. I don't particularly like seeing her more than I have to. Cuma aku takot the mad rush for the 20%, because it IS the last day after all...maybe everyone will read my mind and not go on monday. After all it IS a working day. gwaha.
But yeah, I'll use those days to clear. If I haven't settle then after Arab I will sambung my errands, but I doubt it ah. okay. I think I better go suggest to my mom to go on Wednesday before I start making plans. If we cannot then I will do it on thursday instead, and that will mean i must go orchard tmr. okay. thassit bye.
10:14 AM
i don't like guys paying attention to me.Especially if they are not your close friends. or have never been.
because I am scared.
Ever since him, I have been scared. I have put a shield around me. I don't want it to happen again. I won't let it happen again.
let him be whatever. I will not do anything and I will just keep doing what i want to do...problem is it's not going to be easy.
But HEY. I'm not just anybody. I'm a tough chick. I can do this. I WILL get through this thing. It is nothing, it means nothing. It will not and never mean anything.
Good night. I am carrying this secret to the grave. I think i am finding out that it has lately become harder for me to tell people things unless they korek it from me. At first it was okay....it seemed okay. But suddenly macam....things are becoming weird and I don't like it anymore. I can't tell anybody and I won't because I feel embarrassed and not really wanting it to be known...maybe i'll tell SY-chan because we tell each other everything out of habit, down to when we wash our hair. But i can't tell nad....or mar...they're my best friends but I just feel that if I deal with this on my own it will be over much faster.