symphonieee
9:07 AM
today's the emo rock day. Been listening to emo rock, and stumbled upon this absolutely wonderful song Symphonie by Silbermond. I managed to get an accoustic-ish version but can't find the rock version which I'm listening to on radioblogclub. Darn.I'm gonna end tonight by watching kiut little Nova-turtleman. Waaaai.
But oh man, this song rocksssssssssssssss.
she did come back!
10:34 PM
sure, yeah, before episode 70 alright....at the very end of episode 69, for about what, 3 seconds??? Veeeeeeeeeeeeery funny bunga. Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!But I'm afraid that nobody might seed 41-50, just like all the torrents before 50 have disappeared, so no matter what, I gotta finish 41-50 before I do anything else. I'll just have to be patient for the IchiRuki goodness.
Okay. Need to pee.
Nova's turtle man is sooooooooooooo kiut. I would So Buy It. Ugliest is Claude's bag-bunny. Ririn's bird is just irritating, like her. Nova is definitely the coolest, and he's the coolest turtle-man Ever. It's so cute how he and chad just sat there and staaaaaaaaared at each other. Gosh, I love Chad.
I Had a Feeling it was Urahara's crap. Well just a sort of a small feeling that came and went. That's all.
Okay...am gonna pee, and then probably burn some more stuff. Sooner I finish the better, so I can go bring this thing for recovery.
blasting Sutaafisshu in my ear.
8:41 PM
25 minutes to Teh Return. If what bunga says is right. Aku takut penat2 aku dled 68-69 skali Rukia balik 70....if that happens, bunga's dead.Bunga's attached!!! To his cousin, no less. Not his cousin. The Ex's cousin. it's kinda..ironic. The Ex used to be cold to Bunga because i was so friendly to him, and padahal he likes his cousin. Kinda...funny....
But yeah, I'm pretty glad for that. Like they say, it's a lot easier being friends being guys who are attached, and I daresay this is why I feel so comfortable around Chong (plus a hundred other girls) and now, Mukmin and bunga can join the list!
No, as maryam would ask me, I am not disappointed. I already said, my feelings for bunga are entirely platonic and I knew that way way way before I knew he even liked someone. I actually thought he liked Nura silat. But it doesn't really matter. I had figured out that I could never ever consider Bunga seriously. I would consider him as seriously as I would, say...Naz. yeah. I mean, not looking down on Naz or anything, but we're on totally different wavelengths. Totally.
That's left me with Md noor as a close guy friend yet to get attached. But at least I know he's hankering over someone else. But I think it might get a bit uncomfortable between us. Because well, he used to be comfortable with me because I used to be kinda off limits even if I wasn't officially attached. Now it's not so easy to talk to each other closely...yeah...we yesterday were talking about the sweet things that we wanted to do with our spouses, and it occurred to me that surface-speaking, what we're looking for is a bit like each other....because we both are so affectionate. It occurred to me as a random thought, as in heck, we should just marry each other. But nah, it's just a passing thought, and we're also on different wavelengths. Not as far as me and bunga, but definitely not husband material for me.
Me....I know there's someone there I'm quietly falling for.
Vow to self - I accidentally told Chong. But I trust that Chong thinks I was just joking. I'm gonna keep this under wraps, because I want to see whether it's possible for me to keep a secret. Yeah. I won't tell a single soul, except this journal of course, about him. yeah.
darn.
2:40 AM
gotta pay to watch world cup huh?I'm trying to figure out whether I should chance it and ask my dad if we subscribed. But I'm thinking - could I survive? Without it anyway. Maybe I can just camp over chong's house and watch....
what if we didn't? let's see, June...would I really watch everything? I might not, I have a coupla projects but what if i was bored and stuff....and besides I think I'd would try to catch every match, I'm on vacation for goodness' sake!
Hmm.
Arrrggh.
Maryam should be coming home some time....yeah. Just waiting for her to come home.
let me be emo! let me be emo!
10:03 AM
listening to Ed-dunoe-who McCain (I think I'm getting his name wrong)'s I'll Be.It's nice to listen and indulge in these emo songs. Of course, some times I can be a complete masochist and listen to Peter Pan, which used to have me bursting into tears until recently (but really, I haven't been listening to them at all. That last time I did, I let the pain sort of seeeeep through like a knife wound. Or something.)
It just sets you thinking and reflecting on all sorts of things, like how come I was that stupid and how could I have been such a wimp and stuff like that.
Actually I don't know what exactly I wanted to say. Let's just put it as I'm hoping to finish some downloads.
Until now, I walk down to Bedok and so many memories hit me so sharply that it almost feels numb. Like...I don't know. I think my heart used to ache, but now I don't think I feel anything except maybe ....wistfulness. Is that even right?
I hate Bedok because there were too many memories. I wish my grandmother would move.
What are the things that remind me of him?
Let's see, the last time I was recounting this to Maryam, it was everything. But look on the bright side, I've progressed quite a bit. I used to wake up and stare sadly at my blue paper cranes, remembering that some time ago, I had woken up a very happy person.
Today was just supposed to be a normal day, where I go and visit my grandmother in Bedok, but for some weird reason it brought back many memories.
Like my black jubah that Nad bought for me. That was the first jubah I wore, and I wore it because he "suggested" me to....after I had wheedled him into wearing baju kurung, which he hates. I'm beginning to hate that jubah as well. It's beautiful, but everytime I look at it, I keep remembering him saying it was elegant...and of course me, the compliment digger trying to get him to compliment me.
He would of course, indulge. He was kind of doting, really if you think about it.
Then the whole Bedok thing...when I was walking out of the gates or turnstiles or whatever, I remember that I once waited for him to go toilet and messed around with his phone...we had stupidly gone in the gates, went up the escalator, and decided we wanted to take a cab. Man, that was....extremely lame.
And before that, he had to go and relieve himself, so I was stuck with his bag and phone...and I remember feeling vaguely sick...and wanting to throw up....And nearly falling asleep standing there.
And we waited for a cab...caught one...and talked and talked and he was slamming a guy who kept smsing me....
And I remembered, as I walked down the walkway, how we had walked that very same night, abandoned by people who called themselves friends....absolute rubbish, they actually really abandoned the two of us.......I'd call them a not-so-genteel name if I weren't on the path of gentility.
I went to my grandmother's house...feeling sad because I wanted to get married and give them great grandchildren.
I stood in the middle of my room when I reached home...and remembered standing there sniffing suspiciously at myself, becaue I smelt of him.
And while sitting somewhere....I just randomly remembered...how he never sits next to me, but he always stood, and gave me his laptop to hold....and after a while it became so natural to just sit down and hold out my hands for his laptop...as if we had been doing it for years.
And that we went home together almost every day...and he would stand next to me and we'd say nothing....
The last time we ever went home together, he was sick and I knew something was wrong....that was the worst trip of my life. But yet that was the very day I changed his name in my phonebook to the guy-version of what he had changed my name in his phone to.
I wonder which one of us changed it back to our names first....probably him.
It's difficult to drink coffee without remembering that he nearly killed me with no-sugar coffee...
It's undescribable, this feeling of having been left by someone when it felt as if they loved you as much as you did them.
Because you knew you'd never leave them....but they left you in the end.
lots of things to look forward to~
4:45 AM
i got about 4 hits today. Who are these people who have nothing better to do but read my blog? I mean, okay, it was probably the Ellegarden thing. I mean, I have nothing against people reading my blog, especially if they're people whom I don't know.It can't be him can it? I mean I did give him the link to my middle east blog but that was ages ago and I'm pretty sure he didn't even look at it, much less read it or look at my profile...especially in these times.
Nah, can't be. Anyway, he wouldn't have an interest in reading my blog. I daresay he probably doesn't read my public blog anymore.
But yeah, lots of things to look forward to. The movies - LOTR 2, X-Men, Code, Saving Private Ryan - a big Maybe, after muk's graphic description - and Bujang Senang. Manga and Harry Potter.
I'll be going out with Fie maybe, nadiah, maryam, and of course the khatib clan when they're bored....You know, Fadzli is really one understanding guy. They really seem to understand my situation and they're trying their best to make me happy and help me deal with it...like they know how hurt I feel and how I would rather not see him any more....Fadzli never stupidly asks me along on outings in which he'd be there, and he only asks me if he isn't there. Mukmin also always doing his bit, trying to make me laugh. And Hafie pun understanding giler. gosh, I love my friends and I'm uber grateful for them. I didn't expect this level of understanding from them but yeah, I'm surprised.
I hate the way I say Gosh. Because he says it.
Umm, I've also got lots of activities. I've promised to help Nadiah out volunteering to make it less of a misery, the summer school thing, burning the Bleach for Azhar (I'm doing him a Favour and he won't even tell me about him and Nadiah. kurang hasam nyer budak. sudahlah...) and Ces, kerahing my sister to go find a pirated version of PS, cross stitch, the normal housework stuff, tuition.
When school restarts I'll have silat! Yahoo!
I'll have to learn how to deal with it, but the busier I am, the less time I have on my hands to think about him and dwell on it. Yeah~~~~~~~
you wonder why...your heart..hurts..so much...
7:16 PM
hahahhaa, have been listening to Ellegarden on repeat. Well, Insane. I mean, that's the title of the song. Yeah.It's really nice. If perchance you were a desperate Ellegarden fan (boy, do I remember those days.) and was surfing around in hope of a random download, well heads up! click on my public blog (right side.) and there you have it.
Yeah, my blog is Teh Ellegarden Haven, because I upload Ellegarden songs from time to time. It's just in the name of being nice to other people who are hungrily satisfying their thirst for Ellegarden, because well...it's hard listening to bands that aren't popular in places other than Japan (and even then, they're nowhere near Laruku's standard but that's just one of the mysteries of life. Of course, punk rock is something that not anybody can hear. It's only for us punk rockers.)
Waiting for exam results now. Aku dah tawakkal. I would mandi, but my sis is cleaning the toilet. So I'm waiting for her to finish before I mandi. And actually aku nak terberak. Hahahah! I'll vacuum the house either tmr or monday, then. Just the living room half. Cos my room feels pretty clean after Cik Yam came in to clean it.
Wrote another drabble, but my drabbles aren't that good. I love Celeste's. I'm gonnna read some more....maybe after I release my, umm...load.
I'm thinking that I accidentally ingested alcohol yesterday. I woke up with a spinning headache. Felt like I was hungover. Didn't help that I was so giggly yesterday. Was it the cincau? Takkan lah apek tu jual cincau letak alcohol. Then again, I should take a lesson and Stop Buying Drinks from street apeks. Never again, man. never again.
Okay, i went to poo and to shower. Apparently the toilet i heard her washing is my mom's, not mine.
Well to continue.
I met...well I didn't meet, really, I already knew him. And I sort of noticed him for quite some time...but yesterday was the first time I sort of talked to him. Even then not really, but Chong was talking to him and I was there and I just sort of interjected a few witty phrases (as usual).
First I noticed him because the way he speaks. I was with Nurul and Nad (ironically, I was telling Nurul about him. as in the other him. I hate to type his name. I don't know why.)
Because sungguh....polite...tak pekik2....very gentle....that was the first impression.
Then after that, I caught him teaching someone bio ( i was snoring on a couch opposite him.) I felt jealous, actually...but I found out he's a patient guy.
And after yesterday...he can be kind of funny in a quiet, lame way...the kind of sweet that you just drool for.
Yeah. Just a crush.
To..help me get along? Yeah, I can't dwell on my lost love forever. He's really lost...
laa dee da
3:58 AM
today was a not-so-useless day. I woke up in the morning and felt that it was better Not to watch Paradise Now. I mean, coupled with the fact that it's in Orchard. If it's at Yishun/Sembawang I'd have gone, I think. I can only go to the movies alone if it's my turf.Sembawang's the best.
Anyway...what was I thinking...yeah, today wasn't a that-useless day. I helped out a few chores, it was baking day etc. I too, have a stomachache like my mother. Like...I don't know, I feel somewhat a cross between on the verge of throwing up, hunger pang and wind. Sigh. I hope this lousy feeling goes away soon, because I've decided that this week is the no-going-out-week. I know I went out yesterday, but that was because when Maryam leaves is out of my control, so let's not count yesterday and we'll just not go out this week.
Still, I think I'll fast on monday and go out wednesday. First stop is Code. I have to catch it before it stops showing in this country. I Must watch it, it's like the sequel to Passion. Hahahahahahhahhaa. I gotta see this one, it raised a Lot More Conflict than Passion did.
I think the guy doing Code must be really smart. He Knew that even people who aren't the least bit interested in religion would watch it, just because it's such a controversial book.
I'm also waiting for F 911 1/2. And maybe other Jap movies. But in the meantime, I Still haven't watched Saving Private Ryan. Heck, I'm scared. I think I've never watched an NC16 movie. I think the worst I've done is PG-12. Hahhaahhaha!!!
I've stopped downloading Bleach's continuation because duuuuuh, I'm so irritated by the slowslowslow storyline. I was actually just waiting for Rukia to come back, but seems like she's not coming back anytime soon so I figure what the heck and now I'm just downloading the episodes that bunga left out. Which is 42 and 2. I'm trying to find 2. Oh well, I'll hunt for it later.
*breathe* Stomach....ahh.
Cross stitch - I started today. I gotta finish before Na'im comes home, or better, before his birthday. Then I'll take a picture of it and send it overseas. Think I can make it? Yeah, I think so! Well, I gotta work hard then. I just made a friggin' big___ mistake and now I gotta pick stitches. Arrrgggh. Lots of stitches pulak tu.
Well, plan tomorrow is to vacuum. Will have to put off the tukar cadar till monday or tuesday. Weekends are no touch, it's for lounging around and being useless. Haahhahaha!
OH yeah, I wrote a kind of (to me) feeling IchiRuki drabble, real short. Think I'll bravely post it up, but it's no big deal, I don't expect that many people would read it even.
and another thing.
9:33 AM
Nad seems hassled beyond belief. Between PB, FoC and her volunteering. yeehaw. How do I tell her to go organise hafie's birthday?okay, no cussing.
duuuh, i can't make up my mind...
9:22 AM
i was planning to go watch Paradise Now. But thing is, it's in Orchard, and I feel weird going to Orchard alone because I'm just not used to doing it.Actually I shouldn't have a problem because the theatre will probably be empty tmr, for Paradise Now.
But now I feel weird going to watch it.
There is a Kissing Scene.
Now I'm not saying I'm a total prat and have not seen online kissing.
But this is....I don't know, supposed to be acted out by, um....I'm not sure who, but it's supposed to reflect Palestinians or something. I don't think I can take the rage at having such scenes being depicted in such a movie that's supposed to be reflective of an Muslim Nation!!!
One more thing - oh, it's a Foreign Language film ain't it? That'd be a plus point to go watch.
But I can't help it, I hate watching corny romance and I especially hate it in this kind of context. I thought it would be a good movie! It might .....
I've lost my train of thought after capturing a friggin' beetle. I'm sick of this. I want out. I'll look at my mood tmr and see how it goes. I could make the 4.40 one, sure. I'll really just have to look at my mood tmr.
hitotsu, kazoete wa sumeba ii....
8:34 AM
my pace!I Heaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrtttttttttt his voice. It's soooo angelic. The vocalist from Sunset Swish.
Bleachportal is down, so unfortunately I can't get it yet. Oh well. I'm sure bunga has it, I'll leech it from him someday.
Hey, I'm free now, should I go watch Paradise Now tomorrow? Naaaah, probably wait a day or something since I just went out today. I don't know but just to be safe I'll check out the movie timings later.
You know, if someone were to actually make Byakuya's kenseikan, I would So Buy It. Really, I wouldn't even think. Like buying Kon. I would just buy it. I am a toot.
Oh yeah, gotta add 'tatami mat' to my shopping list. Yep. Just waiting for 26th now.
my brain is fried 2
4:38 AM
i have a sort of a blinging headache. don't ask me what blinging means.I just came back from sending mar off to wherever it is she's going - some expedition somewhere. It was Chaotic, I tell ya.
And her Dad is a bunch of laughs. He kept teasing her by brandishing inane stuff and asking her "Ini tak bawak?" (aren't you bringing this?) First he brandished a bicycle lock, then a Tent, and then the stuffed rabbits we bought for her back in secondary school. My Gosh.
And he made such a huge show of carrying the huge hiking back with a miserable face on.
"is your dad always this funny?"
"Hmmm yeah."
My dad's funny too, but his funny is the kind of Lame-O funny that makes you wanna drool and die.
Results this week, am very afraid. Mar told me our cap from that previous site where we checked our results prematurely have vanished. Oh my. This can only mean two things - I've dropped or improved. Oh please let me make Dean's List Amin.
Oh, I haven't told ya (told who?) about the biggest thing yet. (that sounds ...kinky.)
Just as we were saying our farewells to her parents, and we re going out the escalator, me, being me, started bombarding mar with all sorts of questions.
"ni dah bawak, tu dah bawak, passport dah bawak..."
And she looks through her bag....and it's not there.
Her expedition is in Malaysia, and she left behind the most important document ever- her passport.
First, we panicked.
Then, we searched, and then we called her dad to check it out.
Then we jogged her memory....and Bingo, she'd left it at the photocopier machine at home.
We couldn't stop laughing for ages.
"It didn't pay to be too cautious, does it. If you hadn't decided to photocopy your passport..."
Yeah, well, that's maryam for ya.
arab tmr. Am trying to guess what might come out for dictation. But yeah, other than that, nothing going. I'll probably go catch Paradise Now Friday.
my brain is fried.
7:59 AM
I Actually typed in my matriculation number at the username box instead of, well, my username. Arrrgh what is wrong with me? It's Jerry Maguire, I'm listening to Secret Garden, and I was totally mouthing the part where she says "I love him, I love him for the man he wants to be, for the man that he almost is."with italics at the almost.
I just felt like listening to this song while blogging, and sure enough something emo is about to come out. I was just thinking about it in the bus, for some weird reason. I have no idea why.
Nura wrote somewhere - why do you love somebody who you know will never be yours?
I guess it sort of sank in then, in the bus.
Like I said, loving someone isn't like turning a light on or off. Just because he stopped, doesn't mean I did. How can I stop loving him? to quote renee zellweger (how do you spell her name), I love him for the man he wants to be, for the man that he almost is..I love him!
I went came across an old blog entry of mine - I'll quote it in for completeness. (because there apparently are hits to this blog. I wonder who's bored enough to read it?)
but seriously. you are so sweet. i mean it when i say i'm finding more and more reasons to adore you. you teach me new stuff, you make me want to be a better person so that i will deserve you one day, and you make me feel happy, and you make me feel like the luckiest person in the world. i don't know if we can actually do everything we planned to do, like get married and go to UIA together, but insya'Allah, He'll show us the right path.
I thought and thought about it. I got a feeling that he'll find someone else. From the beginning I already kept picturing him and her together, I just found them such a sweet couple I couldn't help it. And I knew from the beginning he'd be better off without me anyway, so yeah.
And I guess I realised that even with all the hurt and pain, all I want is for him to be happy.
Sometimes I think that I can't look at him and smile anymore, or laugh anymore, but maybe that's because I have hurt him. That I can't go without a clear conscience...I must have hurt him a lot, I don't know how...with my words, with my everything. But he'll be okay, and I know he'll be okay. He deserves happiness, and even if the person to give him happiness isn't me, then I guess it just isn't me. As long as he's happy, I think I can live with that, and I think I can be happy too - especially me.
I could never have loved him the way he would really devote himself to his wife. I'm too selfish for that. I'm not a very good person, how could I have thought I could be good enough for him?
I hope he'll be happy...and will get the happiness he deserves, always and always and always...and if he needs me to smile at him, to be able to do whatever it is, to be friends, then I'll do that. It's always been like that anyway. I don't deserve to be happy, I've been blessed with so many things, so many gifts that I can be happy on my own, that if I have to go through pain in order to make him happy, then I'll do that.
i think my blog counter is lagging.
2:51 AM
hit counter, whatever.been spending the afternoon cleaning out my cd discography and things like that. Yeah. No tuition, so just been slacking, and watching the famed episode 64 - the after-episode. It is badeth. But there Was a bit of IchiRuki loving at least, when he looks at her table and remembers her. I've gotta make something out of that someday.
I almost had something on GinRangiku, but I think it's all lost.
Maybe....I'll attempt something if I'm in the mood.
But I'm progressing in the tidying up of my room. Tomorrow will be having a break and sending Mar off for a bit. I might catch Code if i feel like it. I'll check out movie timings to see if it'll fit in. But I hate doing things at one go these days, because I've just got sooo many days ahead of me. So might as well slow down, do one thing at a time! yeah~ that used to be my motto, man. One thing at a time.
Now i'm taking things half at a time. ahhahhahaaha.
weird.
10:16 PM
I think my blog got hit.Nooooo kidding.
Anyway, I sorta finished sorting out the stuff on my second table. Not bad! But it wasn't really that difficult. I've just sorted all the loose sheets of paper into what i want to do with them. I'll have to go return some Pesta Pantun stuff back to school but I don't think I'll be doing that anytime soon. I don't think I'll be returning to school until semester opens. Since I'm not into anything...oh hold on yeah, we were supposed to go to matric fair, me and hafie.
I really (what's with the italics) look forward to joining silat next semester. I hope Hafie doesn't back out, that woman. Yeah. Ohhhh crap, I haven't told nadiah that she's supposed to be handling hafie's birthday. yeah well, she's rarely online and even if she is, she's busy and stuff and she probably has PB stuff to do. I can't do another birthday Please.
But I was talking to Ces about joining a sport and we both agreed it had to be a sport where our exes wouldn't be around. For me, what I really need is something tiring, something that has nothing to do with him, to take my mind of things. I know, after all this while I should be over it, but I suppose this is just one of the ways in which I need to cope with it.
I just want to do something that has nothing to do with him, yet is school related. So that I can have fun without worrying about his presence, whether he will be there.
Heeeeeeeey hold on I sound really pathetic!!! Yuck! But still, I have to face the fact that I need to get over this one way or another, so this is the way - I need a fresh start without him anywhere near. It is really bad being in the same faculty, man. But I can handle, I should be able to. I may not be the most tough person in the world, but I'm tough in my own way.
I envy kakak las. she can go off to another country to a totally fresh beginning and put it all behind her....I wish I could do that too. Doesn't help that he'll be going to the same university, but at least thankfully he'll probably be out before I enter. So that's a good thing. The chances that I see him at less than zero, and for that I am thankful.
I think, if people were to psychoanalyze me, it would be that i'm in the phase of ....well not denial, but coping by deleting. this isn't an actual term, so please don't be fooled. I'm coping by denying its presence as far as I can, so that I can return to life as it was for me previously, because I was the happiest then.
It's just my way of moving forward, by pretending that nothing ever happened. I think it's also because I'm proud, so I can't bear to think that something like this happened to me, so I'm trying to live as though nothing ever happened.
But hey, to simplist me, it doesn't matter, as long as I get by, doesn't matter how I do it.
hey hey hey!
9:34 PM
Good morning Singapore!!! Haahaahhaa!!Downloads are absolutely wonderful right now. They were rather meagre when I first turned them on - hold on, I speak as though I'm conducting multiple downloads when all I'm doing is downloading Bleach 64. I'm nice, never conduct more than one download at a time. I don't know whether it's bad to download lots of things at one go, but I'd like to stay on the safe side.
Felt kinda sick-y in the morning, like I was having a hangover. Hahahhahaa! Hey, yahoo movies now don't let you see timings for the next day. That's sad. I'll try again. I wanna watch code and Paradise now, although Paradise Now is probably just totally a hollywood chick flick. Or something. Yeah.
I shall put on some music and commence with da cleaning!
the day of multiple posts.
9:26 AM
one of the reasons i need a private blog is that i don't feel comfortable blogging and blogging on lj because it has such a thing called a Friends Page. Ces has accused me of spamming it, which I Have, actually. So I feel better spamming here. where nobody will get irritated by all my rants which happen as I get more and more bored.Actually what I want to do is sleep. I'm quite sleepy and I should grab a chance to cultivate some good sleeping habits. But unfortunately My Hair Is Wet. It's really unfortunate..I have to wait for it to dry, or else the same thing will happen as it did the other day - it didn't dry properly and became all mucky. and stinky. Ewwwwk.
That's the thing about long hair. It's a lot harder to keep. Chey, i speak as though I have hair like Rapunzel. Actually just now I braved myself and looked at my back view. I found that had I not chopped of a whole chunk at the right side, I'd have achieved a more Rukia look. Right now, I really look as if what my friends tell me - like someone just ate my hair. But it's somewhere there. I figure I'll be waiting for it to grow out before I start experimenting again. I might not even do that, with my vow not to cut my hair til I find my Japanese guy.
I plan to be a bit more disciplined and am planning to wake up early tomorrow for once. And shower early and maybe do some work, and take a nap after Zuhur, just like typical Arabs do. Yeah. My gosh, I really am getting tired. Can't....sleeep...till...hair...dries.....
Now I'm wasting time explaining --- gaah, forget it.
darn, my mp3 player is so far away. I wanna transfer ichirin no hana first.
yeah. I might have tuition tmr. My plans tmr are
1) clean up computer desk
2) if i have the stamina, change bed covers.
I might have tuition in the afternoon, and then I'll have tafsir. If I have tuition I might go catch Code. nyehe.
yeah in that case i should check out movie timings.
Oh and besides that, the usual downloads and stuff. XDDD
I was thinking whether I could cook something up from Rangiku and Gin. They are...a very interesting couple. A really....a sort of a you'd-think-it'd-be-a-one-night-stand kinda thing but something develops....a sorta sinful-ish relationship. yeah. Full of, erm...adulterous things that should not be mentioned to young ears. But yet you know there's something between them, they really do care...Rangiku definitely does, and Gin...he wanted, wished, that Rangiku had held on to him so that they might have gone together...but I guess if he was forced to choose, he had no way out but to stick with Aizen, which was what happened. It's really sad, this relationship. I'll have to relook the GinRangiku Angst if i go fic-searching.
Which I might, my hair's still rather wet. Not Even Damp.
But yeah...i'm in the mood for a bit of RangikuGin so maybe i'll read one fic. But i'll have to watch out though, it being that kinda sinful coupling there's gonna be plenty of lemons abound. Argh, give me a good clean fic, will ya?
do we Really need a title? what if I don't write anything here?
8:16 AM
am actually just waiting for my mom to go off to sleep so she won't scream at me for taking a shower this late. But I gotta, because my period's ended.Umm, yeah. Ces just told us about her dad being caught up at sulu by abu sayyaf peeps. and SY starts asking these really ..... well, questions that seem to reflect that she's really had a sheltered life. Sheltered from people looking down on you, or from discrimination and stuff. I wouldn't know. I do know that she's always had everything she needed, probably even everything she wanted. But I don't know, I'm sorry, I just kinda get irritated and tired when these issues crop up, about extremists and terrorists and killers and whatever.
When I was in JC I fervently hated them. Even without being there, they made life terrible for me. It's probably because I'm so sensitive, being Both Muslim, And Arab. We feel, okay. I know it's not meant for us. But on our part, we feel the burden as well, the burden to protect the name of our faith.
But I do realise it's not that easy. It's not just me me me. Other people they see things differently, have experienced different lives so whatever they choose to do, it's between them and Allah. If they believe what they are doing is right then whatever, it's none of my business. I do feel sorry for Ces, anybody'd hate to lose a dad. I don't think I could stand being her.
For everybody, I wish that their loved ones do remain intact. Just like Bush - he's a dad too, his wife and daughters would hate to lose him. Because it's not easy to go through life alone. We still need other people to sort of get through.
Ces is probably pondering about all these things, why it' s happening - I don't know. But if I were her, being me, I'd just hope that my family stays safe. I mean, I don't see the point of trying to save the world when you can't even save yourself and the people around you.
Just like Ichigo (you knew I'd put Bleach somewhere) - he gave me quite a good line to go by.
"I'm not so selfish as to give my life up for a complete stranger, but I'm not a total scumbag either such that I'll only protect my own family. I'll protect as many people as I can."
In other words, don't be too over ambitious, but do the best you can and keep your priorities straight.
Sounds pretty good for me.
Me and Kakak Las were talking about her plans to go UM soon. I'm taking hints from her, looking at all the prep you need to do to study overseas. I guess it's mainly accomodation and stuff. I'm on my own, man. While i was doing the applications for NUS, it was a lot easier. And I nearly didn't follow through because I didn't really want to go to NUS. But well, I hope that attitude will change when the time comes and I'll look after my applications properly. I'll probably wait for SY-chan to come back so I can go house hunting with somebody I know. But I'll be taking my time. I'm in no hurry, I've nobody to wait for, and nobody waiting for me.
I was just telling kakak las "ni yang part sedih ni" as in - it would be sad to go overseas to study alone. But think of SY-chan, and stay strong, zah. you Can do it. And she's doing it a continent away, you're doing it just across the border.
But I guess the lonely part was that we were supposed to go to UIA together. He'll be going, no doubt, and insya'Allah I'll follow a few years later. But it was sad, all those plans down the drain, when I had been so happy to have someone to go with. I told him to wait for me, and that even if I might not make it, I promised to follow him there anyway.
Well, since he doesn't want anybody following him anymore, I'll still have to go myself. No husband so gotta depend on myself to take care of these things yar. Oh well, it's becoming easier to go into the acceptance mode. Just taking it as it is.
My mom wondered if I was depressed or sick or sad. I ...don't think so. I can't say outright No because I'd be a lot happier if episode 63 had been a lot more spicier. But I really do think that I am getting by fine. Learning to accept things, learning that really, every human Is human indeed - even if he seems like he's someone you can trust, you'll find out that you really couldn't trust him in the end.
It Is regrettable that I hadn't caught myself before it was too late, but well, better late than never. At least now i really do know that sticking to my life principles will get me through the best. When I believe Never to depend on anybody, mean Never. No more exceptions. I may have made a mistake, but well, people make mistakes and I make mistakes. But I'll try to take it as a learning experience that even me, tough as most people think, can make mistakes like these - actually trusting someone and stuff like that.
Kore kara ganbarimasu.
yappari na...
4:23 AM
duuh, I've just finished watching what was supposed to be Tha Killa Episodes of Bleach!!!! argh! Thassit?? Thassit??? Come on, you guys are getting paid for something worth more than that!So Much for the anime supposedly having more of the IchiRuki feeling. It's all Dead I tell ya, dead!! If the manga is more unfeeling than the anime, than that means I'm facing a Really Bad Manga Chapter soon! Not so soon but someday!
Okay I Have to know what it'd be like if Rukia were to return to Karakura. Hasten, oh episode 64....But plainly, episode 63 was terrible! I preferred the saving Rukia scene better! and they should have just parodise-d the flashback fights. It would have been a whole lot funnier!
Daaaang.
Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaang.
And I thought this episode would give me plot bunnies. More like it gave me plot chillies. And that's not even funny.
Awww I'm just so disappointed! I can't stop myself!!!!
I guess I'll toodle off and cook dinner. AWwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. Awwwwwwwwwwwww.
Okay I suppose an emotional scene would have been overdoing it. But okay I suppose Ichigo was just showing his understanding side. I guess what was really important to him was that Rukia at least got to live another day. That was the most important thing to him I suppose.
I"ll be able to make something out of that. I think. Wahahaahhahahaa!!!!
a few reflections.
3:21 AM
As you can see, I linked up to this site ex-christian.net. It's a great site about people who, are well, ex-Christians. I just wanted to see their insights, that was all.One of the latest articles was about God being a parent with a huge ego, or something. You know, these ex-Christians are good people. They think a lot about stuff that most people wouldn't give a toss about. They think and I hope that one day, Allah will show them the way, because they're already almost there. I mean, the reason because they're ex-Christians is because they've found out that there are certain things about Christianity that they're not satisfied with.
The guy was writing about God not needing to be praised, if he were Really God. Well, he took it right out from the understanding of the Qur'an. God indeed does not need to be praised. But we are the ones who owe it to Him to praise. When we worship Allah, He doesn't get anything out of it. But if we do not, what kind of people are we? Allah gave us life, this existence, and you're selfish enough just to take it for granted? The Prophet Muhammad knew that his place was guaranteed in Heaven, but because he was the one who understood most about Allah's Greatness and Divinity, he was the one who worshipped Allah most of all. Because he was humbled by His Greatness, so humbled that he wished he could worship Allah even more than he already did, which is way way more than any of us.
This guy, who wrote the article, should study the Qur'an. He'll be greatly, greatly surprised.
The biggest obstacles to being a Muslim is about all the requirements needed of you. Having to pray, having to do this and that and a million other things. But you must remember that it is not only these things that are asked of us, for one. We are also asked to do good and to love people, because indeed, one cannot love Allah so long as one does not love His Creations. Praying is just one way to show our gratitude for our existence. And look at it this way - it is easier not to pray, easier not to spend that few minutes of our life not praying - it is harder to be a Muslim than it is to be anything else. It takes a lot of challenges, a lot of fighting what we want, fighting our immediate wants and desires.
But that is the test for all of us. Are we able to show our gratitude to Allah in all these forms that He has given us? It is much easier to choose the path of ignorance, more than anything else. And I believe that is why many people are one step shy of becoming a Muslim.
emo, emo post.
7:26 AM
I was just reading some IchiRuki angst and pondering about relationships and stuff.And of course, that led to pondering about mine.
I was thinking, that if i were Ichigo, I would wait for Rukia forever. I would wait even though it would hurt a lot to wait.
That was what I had promised someone. And yet I know that I am not waiting in the sense of really waiting, like what Ichigo might Rukia.
Almost as if I am waiting because I am forced to wait. Waiting because I promised. Even though he doesn't care whether I am waiting or not, because I feel that he doesn't deserve to have promises broken, I am waiting.
It's as if I never really wanted to wait from the beginning. But this is the nature of all relationships with me, I suppose. How do I say this?
Maybe I have stopped waiting ever since I knew conclusively that he doesn't care, that it doesn't make the least bit of a difference whether I waited or not.
Maybe it is more accurate to say that I have given up.
So I have broken my promise, after all. I'm not too sure really. Let's start like this - I feel bad breaking any promise. I think promise breakers are bad. Yet, this kind of promise isn't merely a decision. It's not a matter of you want to wait or what....I mean, sometimes you just realise that you don't want to wait anymore.
I feel bad because I was never completely openly honest that I wasn't confident that I could live with him being him, ya know? but I had tried to keep those fears hidden. Now those fears are what that are convincing me that maybe, as much as I have tried, I have actually stopped waiting in the sense of it. The presence of those fears are convincing me that now, at least, I have escaped the certainty of it all, that I still have a chance at finding someone better, someone who I need not harbour any uncertainties about.
Well, at least I did put a condition, and that is I would wait as far as I could, so long as I have the capability to. Given the way I think, my logic and my thought processes, I guess I could say I have lost that capability, releasing me from my promise, or am I just taking the easy way out?
I don't want to wait for anybody. I just want to wait for that somebody if he is there. I don't know who he is. But I don't want to bind my life waiting for a single person, especially a person who couldn't reciprocate his feelings the way I put aside my dreams for him. I don't want to wait for a person who cannot seem to understand love the way I understand it.
Apparently, I never really loved him in the sense that most people understand it. But that is the way it is - I will never really love anybody in the sense that most people understand it. Maybe I can't, I just won't let myself. I think it's useless. I like being like this, not attaching myself to anybody. It's the only way I stay strong.
Maybe because it's because I don't really understand him is why I guess I didn't really love him. Maybe in the past I did, because I thought I understood him. But after all he did, I guess it made me realise that I didn't really know him at all. I hadn't understood him at all, and realising that maybe I didn't know him made me stop loving him. I'm not sure if he's the wonderful person I thought I could entrust myself. I had based that simply because he didn't see love the way I saw it. But it's important to me. I can only feel confident loving someone who loves me the same way.
But yet, I thought it hadn't mattered. I used to think that it's okay if you don't love me. I still will if you're a wonderful person.
But that's the thing - is he that wonderful? For him to be unable to base love on God - or is this just me being narrow-minded? I could put every doubt aside because I trusted Him. He couldn't do the same thing - is he really that wonderful then?
But you know, i think I'll be very logical. I've always been logical anyway. It's over for him, why should I hang around any more? I think I'll be doing him a great justice and favour by not being around - wouldn't that be something that he wants? I think it is. I think I'll just do whatever he wants - he doesn't want me to wait, for one - so in that case, I will chase my dreams, and forget about him.
Of course there is that possibility that he'll come back. But even if he does, I'll have difficulty believing him. I'll never say yes so easily next time. If someone really thinks that I am his companion for him, then he better jolly well work hard towards it, because the only thing I'm going to tell anybody who tells me so is "okay. so you are going to do what about it?"
has he made me become jaded? But somehow, I've always been this jaded. He just unjaded me for a while, and that's about it. I'm back to the jaded person I was when I was 17. Nobody can ever love me and I don't want them to love me like that either - that's why I place my requirement on only one thing. If my requirement is really fulfilled, then the person would have loved me the same way I love them, and things should then work out fine.
Hasten, my torrent downloads.
2:22 AM
i wanted to try and paste the results i got for the which bleach captain are you, but I seem to have lost some of the data. Well, I'm Genryuusai the old geezer. What the- I hate him! Not only is he teh Freak with a freaky old face and a body of a 20 year old Baywatch bodyguard, he is just .......Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!I'm still on the path of gentility.
Oh well, on the brighter side, I ain't Kurotsuchi. Now that, I would have seriously banged my head in frustration.
I awoke at 4 plus today. Extremely bad record. Of course, I woke up in between to have breakfast and showered, but I went right back to sleep after reading a bit of Bleach.
So right now I'm planning to add a hit counter to this blog just for the fun of it, and read some Bleach angst. Of course, what I'm Really doing is wait for my Bleach downloads. Man, this song is a Killah.
I've been trying to not go out for the Family Dinner every Saturday. I guess it kinda stings, since the last few months I had always gone thinking that one day, I would bring him here to meet my family. Oh well, these ghosts from the pasts must be faced. Yeah. The food there kinda bores, too. Grr...
And I'm not hungry...
Thank you Dad! He's a sweetie, he bought more green tea for me when my supply ran out. It was probably Mom asking him too, but who cares. The important thing is, I can wake up and happily go and get my Green Tea Fill.
i need a title?
8:11 AM
sometimes, it feels like a waste. This blog is beautiful, and I'm keeping it all to myself. however, I do know that if i were ever to let anyone know of its existence, I would regret it insanely. And therefore, here is my resolution. I will never let anyone know of its existence, ever.I am now currently wishing fervently that my downloads will go faster. I wish i could channel my reiatsu XDDDD into making them go faster.
it doesn't help that it's practically crawling below 5kbps. oh well. i guess i should work a little more towards cleaning up my room. i moved 2 dictionaries, that's gotta be an improvement.
i'll just, um, check out xiaxue and mrbrown for a bit. XDDDD
woo-hoo! the first post!
4:22 AM
Okay, out with it.I used to have 3 blogs on blogspot. (I have my so-called "public blog" on livejournal as well.) this one I used for political stuff, and I had a private blog, And I have a Middle East blog as well.
So what'd I do? Why, I merged them! For the simple reason that I won't be needing a political blog anymore. I meant to be a Political Science major, so I thought of keeping a blog stock full of interesting articles on politics that I might need for reference. But now, since that's moot, I decided why keep so many blogs- and kept this.
Why this one, and delete the other?
Well, firstly, I prefer the layout I have on this one.
Secondly, I wanted to start a afresh. This blog has 6 entries, the other had more than a hundred. Common sense anyone?
I've been through a pretty crappy past few months and now all I would like to do is to start anew! Put everything behind me and move into the new semester - as Japanese studies major - with fresh enthusiasm.
So this shall be my secret blog. I still will be keeping this secret because I realise that having a public blog means that you cannot blog unrestrainedly. You'll always have to put a lid on it because you blog thinking about your audience. That's why I need a secret blog badly. And here it is. Although it might not be very secret but oh well. Important thing is, nobody who knows me will be able to reach it.
I will still have the Middle East blog, although I haven't had any flash of inspiration to update it. I'm not deleting that.
And now, to totally revamp this blog's links and stuff. Yahey!