7:12 AM
annoyed.what's the point of doing homework and trying to get it all correct? if you don't make the mistake how can you understand later? i dont' remember annoying anybody over my hmwk. not even pam. AND WE WERE TAKING IT TOGETHER. some people just don't fucking get it. it's more impt to try yourself so that you can get the abilities. not to keep on asking asking asking. it's not as if you cannot clarify later. so fucking annoying. i took it like a fucking year ago i've had enough of rushing around checking my files and checking my answers just to spoonfeed you. this time i won't bother anymore. i got more impt things to do. i'm fucking in the middle of writing a fucking ht so you can jolly well fuck off.
6:01 AM
For fuck's sake i tape the show every fucking week. Why the fuck would I not want to tape it this week, and IT IS ACTUALLY MY FUCKING TAPE.
2:09 AM
Will you just SHUT THE FUCK UP.
12:56 AM
I'm going to be disappearing for awhile, so I might be updating here instead of eljay.I think it's because I"m unsure of how to break the news to people. Because I don't know how they'll take it. And I feel uncomfortable if they have to know, because I don't want them to feel obliged to worry.
Until I can talk to him. I don't know why i MUST, but...I somehow just need to do it. Something is telling me not to talk to anybody else until I can talk to him, and if I never find him to be able to talk to him, then I can't ever talk to the people I used to, but I must quietly disappear somehow.And especially when it's time for me to face it, I must somehow quietly disappear, without anyone knowing. Maybe i just WANT to talk to him so much and because I"m so sick of talking and pretending to other people whom I don't feel comtortable with. maybe the reason I'm comfortable with him is precisely because I don't know him. because it's like the comfort of talking to a stranger on a park bench, where the stranger doesn't know you and you don't know the stranger. yeah.
7:00 AM
ooh I've never been gladder to have a private blog.Ironically though I don't own fluffy blue slippahs anymore. I was actually gonna throw them out when my dad decided he'd use them instead. I didn't want to because frankly the kepam patches sort of threw me off. I sniffed them and they actually smelt good - i am not being sarcastic - but I just was so tired of wearing damp slippers, fur just doesn't dry off very well. I'll talk to mom tomorrow and see if she can't convince Dad to give them up and let me buy him a decent new pair. Gawd. I can't stand my parents but if they weren't thrifty I wouldn't be where I am. And yeah, I know it's not my money but I eventually will pay them back. I AM working, after all. And with Farah, my pay increases!
Anyway firstly er I forgot what I wanted to write. Was it...oh right. I caught wind some years ago that Ellen Degeneres was a les. Anyway, I thought that, it's not so hard, I could actually empathize with her. I spent a morning reading about her lez escapades and how she's going out with De Rossi. And I'm like, awww. Then I realised some time after that - whoa wait, why am I even interested in this sort of thing?
I realised that I can really empathise with Ellen. Like, she'd date boys - she liked boys, but she always thought "if I were a boy, I'd go out with her." That kinda thing has always crossed my mind for decades, and seriously, I have been in like with plenty of girls - or wishing that my boyfriend would be like that. Or looking at them and finding them so cute. Or so lovable. You just have to experience to know what I'm talking about. You KNOW that it's NOT the friendship thing. although what IS the platonicity I have no idea. I mean, I don't wanna screw them - I don't wanna screw guys too - but it's not just platonic, or at least I feel not.
But the difference between me and Degeneres and De Rossi and all other lezzies or gays is that I don't choose to act. I don't believe in this rubbish about the true me. After all I'm not created to realise myself, I'm a servant of God, and that's the only thing that is important to me. I appreciate that God made me a little bit different - but I"m sure He made everyone of us like that, it just depends on who's selfish enough to act on it or to think that it's all they are about, after all everybody's got testesterone and estrogen in them, male or female - and therefore I'm not concerned about the fact that I've been staring at and feeling attracted to or liking girls. Or that I'm actually really guy and no matter how much I try to be a girl, just end up not being bothered. I'm perfectly okay with it because I don't really believe God made us guy / girl exclusively, because if He did he'd have given guys testesterone and girls estrogen without mixing it in between. I think it shows the beauty of how He tests us with this "choice" - are we going to be selfish and chase after we desire, just like in many other aspects, not just sex - or will we realise that He created everything, and not us?
Also, I still don't think it's advantageous to be a guy. Dude, circumcision is something I don't want to face, and the responsibilities are crazy. There are pros and cons both sides, so it doesn't really matter. I'm biologically female, so I'll stick with it. And besides, i do like guys.
I dreamt of him the other day. I think it was a nice dream. Now that I think of it I've never dreamt of the other him like that. The time I dreamt of the other him, it was kind of a bad thing. It wasn't at all a nice thing. Both times. Both times were we had already split, or was in the process. That first time I was asking him if he had made me pregnant, and was afraid he'd hate me because I was pregnant. That's not a nice dream. the second was him chasing me. and my letting him catch me, because I hated the silence. Although it got worse after the initial melting.
Anyway...i realise that my nice guy dreams - in which I was with a guy and I was happy - has only been with him. Hosomi-san's dream was really sad too, he was with another woman. gahahahah. But the first dream I had of him, was really cute. We were holding hands and we were on a very weird date, which involved Mac takeaway. Which was stupid. But very fuzzy nice. And I was chasing away someone - or was he? an admirer of his, anyway. If I'm not wrong in that dream, I was talking to someone who liked him too and i was trying to be tactful that the girl that she was so jealous of was me, or the reason she couldn't get together with him was me, but I couldn't and in the end he just did it for me by ...holding my hand.
The second dream was really crazy. We were in teh mrt and I thing I was cuddling up to him. I still remember - I'm almost his height, so all I did was lean against him and staring up at his profile. I think he was smiling and looking out of the window. After that we did something crazy, but that wasn't as memorable as the moment we spent on the mrt. gahahahhhaa. yeah, anyway, I ain't telling anybody this dream, which is why it goes here. But if we get together, I might tell him I dreamt of him twice. The only other dream I had which was similar was with the other guy, but then there wasn't any contact, it was just a solved problem sum which wrote at the bottom "therefore, I like you" - and he turned out to like me but anyway it didn't develop since I didn't really say anything to him, and he liked me as a second fiddle anyway.
but let's be realistic. he's not going to be with me, but if he is, what am I going to do? I can't throw away my years of planning my life. I have a feeling I will just turn him down, unless he is as persistent as a fly or manages to convince me somehow.
And I don't know why, but somehow when I listen to kerispatih's song, I just can't help feeling that there has only been one person I loved and will always love, and I lost him 2 years ago. Like even if we were to get together, I would still love him differently. I don't know why. Maybe I should listen to kerispatih to figure it out again.
ooh, i'm going back to lj.
about that thing
7:07 AM
i won't type any names that are going to make it easier to track me down.but basically, this is what i feel. a lot of people are saying that they are in the wrong for suing too much money from kids and all.
but I think it's not as if they had a choice! they would have spent money getting legal advice and all that detective work they did. then how can they recover? and here I don't think the law is relevant. I think we have to realise that the reason why they did it was because of us. ultimately it is our fault, we caused them to spend all that money, so how can we just make them sound as they are the bad guys? I mean i know nuts about law ah, i got C for biz law, but I think 3000 to 5000 is actually probably quite normal. of course, we are students. but then what to do, where got people sue for 5 dollars one? and face it, they at least need to break even. if they weren't profiting they must have borrowed to bear the costs, how they going to pay back the bank?
which is why, i am praying very hard that I will get lucky and my IP just get missed out. in the mean time, while I pray very hard, I am working my ass off. then if by the time I can collect the amount that other people had to pay, and the issue is still raging, then I will own up to them. I admit I don't know that it was licensed. but I think this is beyond who is right or who is wrong. I also admit that there is a possibility that through a certain perspective of the law, i may be innocent, but guilty through another. but the thing remains that they have incurred a lot of costs. all thanks to us. us including me. So if they still have to recover the money somehow and they are still firing out the things by the time I can get hte money, I promised that Instead of going to Japan i will just pay them the settlement money, then i will be free of all debt. but if by that time they have managed to recover the money they spent on the litigation, and they are not seeking for people to reimburse them, then I will just thank God for His Mercy.
This is a very hard time for all of us who are trying our best to protect our parents from the indignity of having their children sued. That is why I believe the majority of us are praying very hard. But in the end we know someone will have to kana the crack. I only pray that it will come when I have the resources. So I am very thankful that now the issue is being slightly prolonged, by the latest decision and also by the courageous man who is trying to work things out. hopefully that will buy me time to get the resources to pay.
8:36 PM
I hold my breath as this page loads...huzzah! kinks are gone!anyway, isn't this preeeeeeeeeettttyyyyyyyyyyy? Much thanks and love to the one who created it! and photobucket for hosting it! fedora, was it? it's beauutiful.
I don't usually make it a habit to use stuff other people make, as I was telling Renee, but since this is a private blog that nobody I know will be able to see, I guess I can make exception. Plus, I haven't had much of an inspiration to create anything new. In fact, I'm so inspired by the beautiful skins I see (even as they irritate the hell out of me by being SO DARN SMALL) that I'm going to create another blog, my autobiography blog! hahahaha! Because you never know, I might become famous ...if I do, I want to publish that blog. hahahahha!
Or...maybe not. I felt like writing something just now, but now I just want to sleep.
Off in a few hours.....I've got 1 hour or so to sleep and I doubt I'll be able to fall asleep just like that. Falling asleep at night is already a huge problem for me, what more just falling asleep at will, even though I only slept maybe 3 hours the previous night. or less. probably less. and it had nothing to do with work or whatnot. it's just one word - insomnia.
ahwell.