7:00 AM
ooh I've never been gladder to have a private blog.Ironically though I don't own fluffy blue slippahs anymore. I was actually gonna throw them out when my dad decided he'd use them instead. I didn't want to because frankly the kepam patches sort of threw me off. I sniffed them and they actually smelt good - i am not being sarcastic - but I just was so tired of wearing damp slippers, fur just doesn't dry off very well. I'll talk to mom tomorrow and see if she can't convince Dad to give them up and let me buy him a decent new pair. Gawd. I can't stand my parents but if they weren't thrifty I wouldn't be where I am. And yeah, I know it's not my money but I eventually will pay them back. I AM working, after all. And with Farah, my pay increases!
Anyway firstly er I forgot what I wanted to write. Was it...oh right. I caught wind some years ago that Ellen Degeneres was a les. Anyway, I thought that, it's not so hard, I could actually empathize with her. I spent a morning reading about her lez escapades and how she's going out with De Rossi. And I'm like, awww. Then I realised some time after that - whoa wait, why am I even interested in this sort of thing?
I realised that I can really empathise with Ellen. Like, she'd date boys - she liked boys, but she always thought "if I were a boy, I'd go out with her." That kinda thing has always crossed my mind for decades, and seriously, I have been in like with plenty of girls - or wishing that my boyfriend would be like that. Or looking at them and finding them so cute. Or so lovable. You just have to experience to know what I'm talking about. You KNOW that it's NOT the friendship thing. although what IS the platonicity I have no idea. I mean, I don't wanna screw them - I don't wanna screw guys too - but it's not just platonic, or at least I feel not.
But the difference between me and Degeneres and De Rossi and all other lezzies or gays is that I don't choose to act. I don't believe in this rubbish about the true me. After all I'm not created to realise myself, I'm a servant of God, and that's the only thing that is important to me. I appreciate that God made me a little bit different - but I"m sure He made everyone of us like that, it just depends on who's selfish enough to act on it or to think that it's all they are about, after all everybody's got testesterone and estrogen in them, male or female - and therefore I'm not concerned about the fact that I've been staring at and feeling attracted to or liking girls. Or that I'm actually really guy and no matter how much I try to be a girl, just end up not being bothered. I'm perfectly okay with it because I don't really believe God made us guy / girl exclusively, because if He did he'd have given guys testesterone and girls estrogen without mixing it in between. I think it shows the beauty of how He tests us with this "choice" - are we going to be selfish and chase after we desire, just like in many other aspects, not just sex - or will we realise that He created everything, and not us?
Also, I still don't think it's advantageous to be a guy. Dude, circumcision is something I don't want to face, and the responsibilities are crazy. There are pros and cons both sides, so it doesn't really matter. I'm biologically female, so I'll stick with it. And besides, i do like guys.
I dreamt of him the other day. I think it was a nice dream. Now that I think of it I've never dreamt of the other him like that. The time I dreamt of the other him, it was kind of a bad thing. It wasn't at all a nice thing. Both times. Both times were we had already split, or was in the process. That first time I was asking him if he had made me pregnant, and was afraid he'd hate me because I was pregnant. That's not a nice dream. the second was him chasing me. and my letting him catch me, because I hated the silence. Although it got worse after the initial melting.
Anyway...i realise that my nice guy dreams - in which I was with a guy and I was happy - has only been with him. Hosomi-san's dream was really sad too, he was with another woman. gahahahah. But the first dream I had of him, was really cute. We were holding hands and we were on a very weird date, which involved Mac takeaway. Which was stupid. But very fuzzy nice. And I was chasing away someone - or was he? an admirer of his, anyway. If I'm not wrong in that dream, I was talking to someone who liked him too and i was trying to be tactful that the girl that she was so jealous of was me, or the reason she couldn't get together with him was me, but I couldn't and in the end he just did it for me by ...holding my hand.
The second dream was really crazy. We were in teh mrt and I thing I was cuddling up to him. I still remember - I'm almost his height, so all I did was lean against him and staring up at his profile. I think he was smiling and looking out of the window. After that we did something crazy, but that wasn't as memorable as the moment we spent on the mrt. gahahahhhaa. yeah, anyway, I ain't telling anybody this dream, which is why it goes here. But if we get together, I might tell him I dreamt of him twice. The only other dream I had which was similar was with the other guy, but then there wasn't any contact, it was just a solved problem sum which wrote at the bottom "therefore, I like you" - and he turned out to like me but anyway it didn't develop since I didn't really say anything to him, and he liked me as a second fiddle anyway.
but let's be realistic. he's not going to be with me, but if he is, what am I going to do? I can't throw away my years of planning my life. I have a feeling I will just turn him down, unless he is as persistent as a fly or manages to convince me somehow.
And I don't know why, but somehow when I listen to kerispatih's song, I just can't help feeling that there has only been one person I loved and will always love, and I lost him 2 years ago. Like even if we were to get together, I would still love him differently. I don't know why. Maybe I should listen to kerispatih to figure it out again.
ooh, i'm going back to lj.