droll.
5:35 AM
just got the mood to ramble.That's the thing about this blog. That's the thing about blogger really. That you can ramble and you don't worry about spamming pages or whatnot. I really need this blog. It's my personal space.
The space in which I can let out all my feelings without feeling as if I'm reaching out for someone, because i cannot stand the idea of being weak. I hate being weak, I hate feeling pathetic, I hate feeling as if I need people, and I'm determined that I will not need people. It's nothing, it's just my own survival tactic. I can't help it - because when they let you down, it's your own fault for trusting them. I mean, it's all very nice to trust people, but you see in the end you can only cushion your fall if you expect nothing from them - that's why. I don't want to expect anything from anybody, that's why I distance myself as far as possible from letting people see me. I mean I tell them people stuff sure, when they ask, like my problems and stuff, but I hate letting people see me raw, torn, scarred and hurt. I feel pathetic if I do that. If people ask me, or they tell me it's okay, then maybe I do invite them into my confidences and let it all out. But after which I always regret. So as far as possible I've always tried my best to refrain from doing it. But I suppose last semester, when I let myself believe in someone and when he left me and caught me unaware, I sort of fell apart - because I let my guard down. After so many years, I had let my guard down.
I suppose it was difficult for me to accept - that I had let myself become so vulnerable. So I sort of ....the pain just kept on pouring out and it was everywhere - I felt as if I was going to screw myself up if I kept it in like I always do. Not keep it in. But - you know, just tell God and be done with it. I guess because before that all my problems I'd always seen them with my usual principle of "don't expect nothing from nobody." but when I forgot that, I don't know, I just went mental and I was completely beside myself. Now that I think back, it was so completely uncharacteristic. Letting all the pain pour out like that - I think what makes it so bad was that I almost couldn't believe myself, like how had I fallen for it? I was so proud of my demeanour, of my ability to be emotionally strong that the one time I opened up and got shot right through, it was like being shot twice in the face. And I just sort of - gave up and spilled, spilled everything.
Then when I managed to look at it, I realised that I had really really let myself change. I had been so proud of my emotional strength. I was ashamed that I had allowed such a terrible weakness overcome me. Could I ever be as strong as I had been? I believe so. I mean, other wise how do I survive?
So that got me round to thinking - why do I feel so painful seeing and thinking about it? Then I remember - I'm human after all. I'm not made out of stone, as my mother believes - I do harbour feelings, God gave them to me. But logic will win. Scars need time to disappear.
I have a good friend who believes very strongly in my emotional strength, that he comes to me for advice all the time. My mother confides in me, my sister does. My friends come to me. But that particular friend, he, never having seen me during that period of time, still holds on to the believe that I'm a tough chick, and you can't imagine how important it is to me that there is at least one person who at least believes unwaveringly that I'm an emotional stronghold. Because if someone believes it, that means I can make it true. But even if he doesn't believe it, I can still make it come true, but it helps that he has such a confidence about me.
I'm proud of who I am. or who I was and who I want to be. I'm a person who couldn't care less, who doesn't need anybody to survive emotionally. I'm the kind of person who you can cut many times, but I won't care because I don't expect anything more than that. It's okay for you to hurt me, because it doesn't matter to me. My emotions are made of - well, even if people mess around with it, I can forgo it, I can overlook it, because it doesn't matter to me.
Sometimes I feel as if the person I'd like to see right now is Kak Mumtaz. She believes in me too. She believes that I'm very mature for my age, that I have the mental toughness that not many people twice my age have. It's as if it would be reassuring that I can be that tough, because all alone it I feel a bit of a dip in confidence.
But then again, why do I need them? Why should I be any less confident that before? I'm me. If there was one thing I had - even though I may be no genius, I may not have any unique talent - I believed in myself to be able to be the person that I aim to be - emotionally tough. My sister once asked me where the heck I get my confidence from. I don't know. I have a pretty decent life, I've toughed out a few emotional battles and I was able to get through them pretty well, better than most people. But no, it's not that I don't know where I get it from. I know very well where I get it from. It's not from within me - it's because I know He is always with me. He'll never leave me, that's why I'm so confident that I can do this - because He is with me and He is the Greatest Helper of them all.
....sometimes I really have to laugh. I was that pathetic? Oh my god. This is so goddamn awfully funny....I was such an idiot! But anyway it was a good lesson. I'll be more careful next time. And I won't make any more exceptions to the little shield I've build, had torn down and reconstructed around my mental and emotional strength.