1:32 AM
I wonder if one day I'll become famous enough that people will look for my blogs and use them to write my biography, or just publish my blogs whole-sale. in which case I should take care to write more serious stuff. hahaha!actually, no. I shouldn't. I wouldn't want people reading my blog to think I'm particularly serious or anything. But I DID wonder if i WOULD become famous enough for that to happen.
At any rate I was sitting around and thinking. If Mom weren't so....weirdly scared and child-leave-me phobic I could be looking forward to a really good weekend. I don't particularly mind. I do mind because who wouldn't? It would have been nice. But I was just thinking, if all I'm going to do to my children, if I have any, is to exert control over them, not letting them choose their own life path, or always insisting they do this or that - and I mean serious things, like you must stay your whole life in this country, etc etc - then I'd rather not. I think I can see where my control freak genes come from. I don't want to be that kind of mother. In fact there is no mother I have seen in my life that I think I'd like to be. In which case i would probably be a really lousy mother.
I know that it's good to have kids and all. Adding to the ummah and everything. But I can honestly think of a million other ways in which I can be a good servant. I'm not saying it's a bad thing to be a mother. It's a good thing. Paradise is at a mother's foot. But what's the point of being a mother if I'm just going to be a lousy mother? I know that this sounds vaguely like escapism. But really, everybody's gonna end up becoming mothers anyway. Isn't it good enough that they're throwing away their resources to have kids? I can devote my resources to other stuff that I'm better at. It's comparative advantage.
And like I said. Parents don't really love their children, or at least, I don't think there's any such thing as pure love for parents. There can't be any pure love from a human to a human. Because we're all in it for something. We throw tantrums when somebody disappoints us. We're always expecting something from someone else. So there's really no such thing as purely loving another human being. In other words, there's utilitarianism mixed up in it. If somebody was to tell me that they believe that they purely love another human being, they're either deluded or insane, or bullshitting or I have no idea what.
I think the only pure love that exists is between Him and us. And that's only from HIM to us. and not the other way round. Come on. Pure love cannot exist if there's a hint of obligation. And we are much obliged to Him. But He isn't in any way owing us or obliged to do anything. YET He chose to create us and love us and give us all these gifts and blessings. That is pure love. And we can never reciprocate it, but only lousily attempt to try and be grateful and to love Him by asking Him to grant us such a purity of love that He has for us, for Him in turn.
This is the world....the realisation that there is no such thing as love. Not that there isn't, but that love is so complicated exactly because of all these extra obligations thrown in. Parents are obliged to their children, and the other way round. We're obliged to our other half, and so on and so forth. It's all love mixed with obligation, mixed with desire....pure? you must be kidding me.
The only beauty in it is the pure love that He gave to us. We are incapable of rendering such a pure, selfless love. Who are we kidding?
At any rate, then, I guess human beings must be commended. Either because even in spite of realising this, they carry on doing what they do, or, they remain in some weird delusional form of existence that the people around them actually love them, and that they love those people in return.
I think that if I'm so scared of being such a lousy mother, than I might as well not do anybody an injustice by just refraining from being one.
It's not that I'm trying to portray the world in a terrible, lonely light. I'm just saying that we tend to get so caught up about whether other people love us or not that we fail to realise that He loves us even though He has absolutely no reason to. I mean, I'm not about to embark on reasons why God loves His Creations and it's partly common sense, but yeah, well.... it's just that, I guess. I guess I"m sick of people pretending or thinking that they love one another and while doing so, forgetting about Him who really really does purely love us in a way that we can never achieve, and thinking that we are actually capable of loving when all we know is how to seek obligatory love from each other.
Which is why I guess I find it pretty easy to handle disappointment, lack of misunderstanding, slandering. blablablablabla all human vices. They're just human after all. Can't expect much. Can't expect anything.