my brain is fried.
7:59 AM
I Actually typed in my matriculation number at the username box instead of, well, my username. Arrrgh what is wrong with me? It's Jerry Maguire, I'm listening to Secret Garden, and I was totally mouthing the part where she says "I love him, I love him for the man he wants to be, for the man that he almost is."with italics at the almost.
I just felt like listening to this song while blogging, and sure enough something emo is about to come out. I was just thinking about it in the bus, for some weird reason. I have no idea why.
Nura wrote somewhere - why do you love somebody who you know will never be yours?
I guess it sort of sank in then, in the bus.
Like I said, loving someone isn't like turning a light on or off. Just because he stopped, doesn't mean I did. How can I stop loving him? to quote renee zellweger (how do you spell her name), I love him for the man he wants to be, for the man that he almost is..I love him!
I went came across an old blog entry of mine - I'll quote it in for completeness. (because there apparently are hits to this blog. I wonder who's bored enough to read it?)
but seriously. you are so sweet. i mean it when i say i'm finding more and more reasons to adore you. you teach me new stuff, you make me want to be a better person so that i will deserve you one day, and you make me feel happy, and you make me feel like the luckiest person in the world. i don't know if we can actually do everything we planned to do, like get married and go to UIA together, but insya'Allah, He'll show us the right path.
I thought and thought about it. I got a feeling that he'll find someone else. From the beginning I already kept picturing him and her together, I just found them such a sweet couple I couldn't help it. And I knew from the beginning he'd be better off without me anyway, so yeah.
And I guess I realised that even with all the hurt and pain, all I want is for him to be happy.
Sometimes I think that I can't look at him and smile anymore, or laugh anymore, but maybe that's because I have hurt him. That I can't go without a clear conscience...I must have hurt him a lot, I don't know how...with my words, with my everything. But he'll be okay, and I know he'll be okay. He deserves happiness, and even if the person to give him happiness isn't me, then I guess it just isn't me. As long as he's happy, I think I can live with that, and I think I can be happy too - especially me.
I could never have loved him the way he would really devote himself to his wife. I'm too selfish for that. I'm not a very good person, how could I have thought I could be good enough for him?
I hope he'll be happy...and will get the happiness he deserves, always and always and always...and if he needs me to smile at him, to be able to do whatever it is, to be friends, then I'll do that. It's always been like that anyway. I don't deserve to be happy, I've been blessed with so many things, so many gifts that I can be happy on my own, that if I have to go through pain in order to make him happy, then I'll do that.