why's everything so goddamn big??
7:41 AM
I feel like I'm blind or something, everything's been MAGNIFIED.oh well. It's either Blogger or my pc. Oh yeah, just now also Google damn big. What'd my dad do this time. Haiyah....too tired to figure it out already man...I wish he'd stop tinkering.
Actually I realised that I sound as if I'm hantaming mrbrown in my previous post. I'm not. Who I was taking a shot at, actually, was the coupla guys who got convicted for racist comments or not. mrbrown is okay. He's mature enough to know what he's getting himself into, and he above everyone else realise the consequences of whatever he does and is brave enough to do it. Those two are - no comment. been a bit disorganised today.
Am listening to some piano classics. I just love Asian composers. They're like, so honest. Like you feel as if their pieces are really something they want to share with you. European or American ones just sound as if they're just trying to come up with something new and catchy so that their CDs sell. I'm probably being too harsh and assuming, but I'm saying this because of all the piano pieces I've heard, my favourites are always from the unheard of Asian composers. They're the ones, although they sound so, so normal and something you would hear on TV soaps, which tug at your hugstrings and really sounds like music in which you can drown your sorrows in. Yeah.
That meme which had the question "Music reminds you that you are not alone" - I think music reminds me that I AM alone, more than ever. Alone as in, there isn't anybody with me and who will be with me but God, ya know?
Yeah right now, drowning sorrows in music. Yep. It's not really sorrow. More like....wistfulness? I guess we can't help it. We keep wondering what would have been. What if it hadn't happened. What if it hadn't changed. It's a weird feeling. And I feel weak, but well, humans ARE weak. That's why we're humans, and not God, and the sooner we realise it the better. To deny myself that I have feelings would be to deny what He has created in me. I do have feelings and I can't brush them aside because that is the power of emotion that God has given me.
But the thing is, we must learn not to let them get the better of us. Not to obsess over our feelings over other humans that we forget what is it we should be focusing our energies and passions on.
I really think that it has been a lesson. A real damn good lesson. Where I had overspent my energies and love on something that shouldn't - didn't - deserve it. Problem is, when someone makes us happy, it is because he is there, physically in front of us, that we forget that there is someone we must love above all else, even as He is something we cannot see, or hear, or touch. Faith goes up and down because we forget. And here it was, a classic example in which I forgot.
Which has made me a more older, mature person. to know what to expect, what to battle if it ever happened again. To make sure that even as I may grow to love another person, that there is someone who deserves an infinite times more love that anybody else. To make sure that I control my emotions, my desires and everything. I am a girl, I'm a human and I will make mistakes, as I have proven myself to do. But at least I did have some experience and maybe I'll be better at this whole controlling thing, IF it ever happens again.
Thing is, I know myself, and I am one of the most stubborn, not to mention proud, people in the world. Once bitten twice shy? I've only been bitten once. I'm too proud to ever let it happen again, to let myself open up to weaknesses. Sometimes I have had these thoughts float through my mind - no way, it ain't gonna happen, i won't let it, it's stupid, it's a waste of time.
But I guess I must remember. How can we love God if we can't even begin to love other people? So Fizah, remember. When you love people - you love them for the sake of God. So even if they don't love you back it's okay. It's not your problem. It's not anybody's problem. You always knew this. But somehow, I forget....I forget a lot....it's not that I should just give up on people altogether. I can love, but without expecting them to love you back. After all, who am I to expect love from other people? I'm no great sage, I command no great talent or intellect or whatsoever. I'm not a prophet who deserved love from his people.
But I can love, and that is what I can give. Even if I do not deserve love from other people, it is okay. Because God, surely and assuringly, loves all that He has created, which includes me. If I already have such a love, it is so selfish of me to expect more....