let me be emo! let me be emo!
10:03 AM
listening to Ed-dunoe-who McCain (I think I'm getting his name wrong)'s I'll Be.It's nice to listen and indulge in these emo songs. Of course, some times I can be a complete masochist and listen to Peter Pan, which used to have me bursting into tears until recently (but really, I haven't been listening to them at all. That last time I did, I let the pain sort of seeeeep through like a knife wound. Or something.)
It just sets you thinking and reflecting on all sorts of things, like how come I was that stupid and how could I have been such a wimp and stuff like that.
Actually I don't know what exactly I wanted to say. Let's just put it as I'm hoping to finish some downloads.
Until now, I walk down to Bedok and so many memories hit me so sharply that it almost feels numb. Like...I don't know. I think my heart used to ache, but now I don't think I feel anything except maybe ....wistfulness. Is that even right?
I hate Bedok because there were too many memories. I wish my grandmother would move.
What are the things that remind me of him?
Let's see, the last time I was recounting this to Maryam, it was everything. But look on the bright side, I've progressed quite a bit. I used to wake up and stare sadly at my blue paper cranes, remembering that some time ago, I had woken up a very happy person.
Today was just supposed to be a normal day, where I go and visit my grandmother in Bedok, but for some weird reason it brought back many memories.
Like my black jubah that Nad bought for me. That was the first jubah I wore, and I wore it because he "suggested" me to....after I had wheedled him into wearing baju kurung, which he hates. I'm beginning to hate that jubah as well. It's beautiful, but everytime I look at it, I keep remembering him saying it was elegant...and of course me, the compliment digger trying to get him to compliment me.
He would of course, indulge. He was kind of doting, really if you think about it.
Then the whole Bedok thing...when I was walking out of the gates or turnstiles or whatever, I remember that I once waited for him to go toilet and messed around with his phone...we had stupidly gone in the gates, went up the escalator, and decided we wanted to take a cab. Man, that was....extremely lame.
And before that, he had to go and relieve himself, so I was stuck with his bag and phone...and I remember feeling vaguely sick...and wanting to throw up....And nearly falling asleep standing there.
And we waited for a cab...caught one...and talked and talked and he was slamming a guy who kept smsing me....
And I remembered, as I walked down the walkway, how we had walked that very same night, abandoned by people who called themselves friends....absolute rubbish, they actually really abandoned the two of us.......I'd call them a not-so-genteel name if I weren't on the path of gentility.
I went to my grandmother's house...feeling sad because I wanted to get married and give them great grandchildren.
I stood in the middle of my room when I reached home...and remembered standing there sniffing suspiciously at myself, becaue I smelt of him.
And while sitting somewhere....I just randomly remembered...how he never sits next to me, but he always stood, and gave me his laptop to hold....and after a while it became so natural to just sit down and hold out my hands for his laptop...as if we had been doing it for years.
And that we went home together almost every day...and he would stand next to me and we'd say nothing....
The last time we ever went home together, he was sick and I knew something was wrong....that was the worst trip of my life. But yet that was the very day I changed his name in my phonebook to the guy-version of what he had changed my name in his phone to.
I wonder which one of us changed it back to our names first....probably him.
It's difficult to drink coffee without remembering that he nearly killed me with no-sugar coffee...
It's undescribable, this feeling of having been left by someone when it felt as if they loved you as much as you did them.
Because you knew you'd never leave them....but they left you in the end.